Change Gonna Come
by LovinBrits
Summary: What would it take for Gill to make a change in her relationship with Cal?
1. Chapter 1:  A Wonderful Bastard

[I don't own anything, including the lyrics to a certain wonderful R&H song. I just own my ideas and words.]

Chapter 1: A Wonderful Bastard

'God, I need a vacation', Gillian thought, as she sorted the paperwork on her desk into stacks of priority. She thought once again that she could _really_ use her very own private secretary, but The Lightman Group just couldn't afford it. They could also use a full time accountant and a full time HR manager, instead of all these clueless little interns buzzing around. She would gladly trade ten of them for one well-seasoned and experienced administrative professional. Then, _maybe_ she could find the time to be a psychologist _and_ get a life!

She caught herself and felt ashamed at the thought. These feelings were so uncharitable and unlike her, and she instantly regretted them. She knew she was tired and irritable. That was the problem with being so competent, she thought, she was so used to taking on everything; and everyone took for granted that she was stretched so thin. It was her own fault for not managing things better. She needed to develop a plan instead of giving in to the doldrums. But right now, she was just too tired. 'Well, Scarlett,' she told herself, 'I'll think about that tomorrow.'

'Thank God it's Friday, though, and the end of the day', her inner dialogue continued. She neatened the stacks, binding them in order of importance and put them in her locked file drawer in readiness for her return on Monday. She took the most urgent stack and put it in her briefcase and stood up. She leaned back to stretch with her arms above her head and heard a pop in her upper spine.

Cal poked his head in the door. "Aye, aye! I heard that over here! You look knackered."

"Thanks a lot, was that supposed to be a compliment?" she looked at him with a smirk. "I do feel tired," she said as she rubbed a knot in her shoulder.

"Anything I can do," he hesitated for a beat, "or rub?" he leered at her briefly.

She rolled her eyes and sighed resignedly. "No, Cal, but thanks just the same." It came out more sarcastically than she intended.

"Headed out, then, love?"

"Oh", she sighed, "yes, but more for a break and a change of venue."

"Can I help?" he offered, hoping that she might let him, for once.

She considered. 'If only', she thought, as she looked him up and down. As much as she admired his intelligence and his talents, there were certain things he just couldn't put his mind to effectively, and the stack in her bag was one of them.

Her once-over and the resignation in her face where not lost on Cal.

"Oi! What was that?"

"Hmm?" She asked, looking down. '_Crap, I need to leave before this gets out of hand'_, she thought. "Nothing," was all she said.

"Nah, it was something," he said as he approached her, pointing to her face, then got in her space.

"It's fatigue, okay, Cal? And stop doing that, you know it makes me nuts!" she grumped. "I just need to get away from it for a while and I'll be fine."

"True enough," he said, searching her blue eyes. "but I'd like to see you spread the love around here more," he paused, "not take so much on yourself, love." He cocked his head and studied her face as he reached a hand out and gently rubbed her arm. "Then maybe you could enjoy your weekends, not be such a workaholic." He did look concerned. " 'Cause, you know, I hate to see you so chinstrapped."

She smiled at his use of words. For some reason, some of his slang always tickled her. She had hung around him long enough to know what it meant, but it still made her smile. Plus, just knowing he "got" her helped, even if he couldn't help personally. Cal was nothing if not insightful; and at times could even be empathetic. At the very least, he was generally good for a laugh.

"Just sayin'," he searched her face as he reacted to her smile with his own. "That's better, love." He caught her eye and there was a twinkle in his. "Seriously, anything I can do?"

"You just did", she said, brightening. "Thank you, that's sweet; but no, I'll be fine." She gathered her things.

"That's me, sweet ol' Cal."

She harrumphed. "Okay, now it's getting deep. Time to leave." She made a slight move towards the door.

"Alright, then?" Cal asked. She nodded. "Good." He leaned forward and kissed her briefly on the cheek. Even after a long frustrating day, he thought, she still looked beautiful and smelled fantastic. He envied that paperwork in her bag and wished he was going home with her for the weekend. "Have a good one, and don't work too hard," he reminded.

The kiss on her cheek, ever so brief, was enough to energize her more, and she turned her head away from him to bite her lip and adjusted the strap of her briefcase over her shoulder until she regained her composure. She knew if she looked directly at Cal just then he would see the flicker of arousal she felt at the nearness of him and the kiss, however innocent. Of course, with him, so little was ever innocent, and it was becoming harder of late not to react.

"Thanks, Cal. Goodnight." She started for the door.

"I've got Em this weekend," he called after her, "but seriously: call, yeah?"

"If I need you, sure." She tossed over her shoulder. She needed him, alright, but not for work and not at the moment.

She drove home and threw her briefcase on the kitchen counter. 'Later', she thought. Right now, she had more immediate needs. Gill opened the bag of Chinese food she had grabbed on the way home. She emptied everything out on the counter, grabbed a fork and immediately attacked the food, eating out of the container. She kicked off her shoes and walked to her music dock to wheel and click. Tony Bennett began to sing to her softly, and she finally began to relax. She poured a glass of white wine and walked to the bathroom, stripping off her skirt as she went. She carefully placed the wine glass on the floor by the tub and lit a candle on the back of the toilet and started a hot bath, putting bubble bath in as the tub filled. She walked back to the kitchen, finished her container of food and considered for a moment. 'Just the thing', she decided, and grabbed three individually wrapped Belgian chocolate truffles for dessert. She walked back to the bathroom, stripped the rest of the way and turned off the faucet. Gill dipped her toes in the bath and gradually sunk down, easing into the hot water, her skin slowly getting used to the change in temperature.

Gill sank further until the bubbles were up to her chin and she finally began to relax. She worked the sore muscles in her shoulders and then kneaded her lower back a bit. Then she lounged. She listened to the music and breathed the fragrance of the candle in deeply. It was all helping. She ate the chocolates one by one, making humming sounds of pleasure as she savored each in turn. In spite of the food, the wine was affecting her already, making her flush and feel slightly giddy.

Gill leaned her head back against the bath pillow and considered her mood. She felt labile, in every sense of the word. She was emotionally on edge, but also felt something needed to change in her life. 'Understatement!' she blurted out, and the word reverberated off the tile walls, startling her, as she realized her inner dialogue was spilling out of her mouth. Well, change was the very definition of life, wasn't it? Of late, she had felt stuck, though, and was feeling antsy. Maybe she just needed a good night's sleep. That was true; sure enough; but what she really wanted and needed right now was a good long hug. Her eyes teared up as the loneliness she had been feeling lately crept around the edges of her mind. Even months after Dave had disappeared, she still felt his absence. She missed the way they had, at times, just held onto each other for long periods, as if consoling each other in the safety of their arms.

She missed intimacy…and sex. Lately, she thought about it almost daily, which caused an almost constant sense of arousal, and a feeling of aching fullness in her pelvis. Lately, she was looking at men and felt almost predatory towards them. She supposed she just wanted to get laid; but no, it was more than that.

What really bothered her was that she was especially looking at Cal. She, who had thrown down the line and who knew more than anything else how disastrous a liaison or even a romantic relationship with him might be…especially the way he had been behaving over the last year. She, who - after all the years of him looking at her in that very way – had deflected his lascivious comments and come-ons while secretly being flattered and increasingly thrilled by them. Yes, she was now occasionally looking right back at him in the same way. But only when she couldn't stop herself; and she knew that he noticed, how could he not? And therein was the problem: she loved him, yet knew they could never be involved that way. Romance with coworkers never stood the test of time. That's why she invoked the 'line': she valued his friendship and the work to the point that she was horrified at the notion of jeopardizing either by risking a failed romance. She saw how crazy Zoe made Cal, even now. But, _damn_, it was frustrating.

Thoughts like this and of Cal occupied her mind, and she became aroused. She sought to relieve the tension, and the water splashed a bit out of the tub when she found that relief. She sighed heavily and finally relaxed to the point of dozing off. A bit later she awoke when the temperature of the water became uncomfortably cool. She shivered and rose, toweling off and brushing her teeth. She climbed into bed and made it an early night. Yes, tomorrow she would be in a better mood.

Another week, come and gone. Things had picked up a bit and the caseload was higher, which created even more paperwork. Then there was Cal and his foul mood the last couple of days. He had bullied everyone, and was especially hard on Loker. Honestly, she didn't know why that poor guy didn't just quit. Gill meant to have a long talk with him and try to make him feel appreciated; but she was held back by the feeling that she might be intruding or embarrass him or have him feel as Cal did: that she was smothering. She had tried to help Cal calm down and ease up on the staff, to talk about what was bothering him; but Cal was even a shit to her yesterday, and she was enraged and fumed for hours. Now she was avoiding him, and she knew that he wouldn't seek her out until he had worked a few things out in his head. Good enough: she was furious with him, anyway. For the first time in a long time, she even considered quitting. The older she got, the less she wanted to put up with tantrums from a grown man. He was an adult, why couldn't he act professionally?

Good thing it was the weekend, she thought. Right now, if she weren't able to get away from Cal for a couple of days, who knows what she would do? As it was, she had to walk out of the building yesterday afternoon just to maintain her composure; and she considered not showing up today, she was so irritated. She kept to her office today and had the feeling that Cal was avoiding her as well.

She went home, and looked forward to some comfort food. She made a simple soup of chicken broth, onions, garlic, tomatoes, spinach and tortellini, and enjoyed every spoonful with some crusty bread. The phone rang and she looked at the caller ID. It was Cal. 'Here we go', she thought. But she wasn't feeling it at the moment and let the call go to voicemail. Let him wait, the infuriating little prick. She knew he was trying to reach her to apologize or at least work things out, as was his habit; but she just couldn't talk to him, yet.

She went about getting into her pajamas, plush robe and fuzzy slippers and prepared for a movie night. She made a bowl of popcorn and drizzled melted butter on it, then put in one of her favorite musicals. Every now and then the phone rang again, and every time it was Cal. She continued to ignore his calls; but she knew she couldn't do it forever, because he would show up at her doorstep eventually. As the opening titles of the movie came on, she reviewed in her mind their usual dance: he acted shitty, she fumed and caved, he cooled down and regretted his actions, then they made up and she forgave him. She felt like an idiot sometimes, thinking about how she enabled his behavior. She didn't expect him to change; she had known him long enough to know that that wouldn't happen. What she had begun to realize was that _she_ was the one who needed to change...something. Maybe she just needed to get away from him. As much as she loved him, as much as they usually worked well together and complimented each other….maybe being around him was just not good for her. Maybe she needed to move on in order to be happy, but she hadn't really worked out what that would look like. The thought of changing jobs, at her age, was daunting and a bit scary; and she was frequently disappointed in herself that she didn't have the guts to make a plan and just walk away. Coulda, woulda, shoulda….maybe someday soon she would take the time to work it out.

Throughout the film, which she had seen dozens of times, she flitted in and out of attention to the plot. That was, until the scene when the heroine, who has fought with the king, refuses the pleas of the king's wife to go to him to make amends. She thought to herself, 'he's just like Cal…let the bastard rot just this once', until the familiar strains of the song's preamble began:

_This is a man who thinks with his heart, _

_his heart is not always wise._

_This is a man who stumbles and falls,_

_but this is a man who tries._

_This is a man you forgive and forgive_

_and help and protect as long as you live._

Gill stared at the screen, knowing that this movie, and especially this song, hit so very close to home.

_He will not always say _

_what you would have him say,_

_but now and then he'll say_

_something wonderful!_

_The thoughtless things he'll do_

_will hurt and worry you;_

_then all at once he'll do_

_something wonderful!_

She felt tears stinging the back of her eyes, but she refused to give in to them. Her throat constricted and she swallowed, but the song was relentless…

_He has a thousand dreams_

_that won't come true._

_You know that he believes in them _

_and that's enough for you._

As the song crescendoed, and the emotion of the soprano spilled out, Gill lifted her chin defiantly. No, I'm not going to do this, she thought. But she realized how true this song was to her relationship with Cal, in spite of what a bastard he could be at times. Her thoughts of Cal mixed with the emotions of the music…

_You'll always go along,_

_defend him when he's wrong_

_and tell him when he's strong._

_He is wonderful!_

_He'll always need your love;_

_and so, he'll get your love._

_A man who needs your love_

_can be…wonderful!_

…and she cried.

[If you've a mind to, review and tell me what you think, but mostly how this made you feel. Constructive criticism is always welcome.]


	2. Chapter 2: A Banner Day

CHAPTER 2 A Banner Day

Cal wandered into the lab and looked at the videos Torres and Loker were reviewing. On separate screens were a woman in her mid-twenties and a man with a beard, who may have been ten years older. The woman was saying, "I honestly didn't know what he was doing was illegal." From the look on her face, she was telling the truth, and desperate for someone to believe her.

The man with the beard had a smug expression. "I've done nothing wrong. They were business expenses." Cal could see the man didn't believe his own words. "Well that was a lie," he offered.

"I know, right?" Ria agreed.

Cal picked up the file from the desk and reviewed the background information. The woman had quit a corporate partnership when she divorced the man a year ago. There was a third partner, formerly the man's best friend, who was helping the wife defend her innocence. In question was the misappropriation of corporate funds for questionable expenses. The woman was very young when she married into the situation, and the husband had used her by making her majority owner so they could claim the business was "minority owned". The woman claimed she had nothing to do with the embezzled funds, her ex-husband handled all the finances and she didn't know he was doing anything wrong.

Boring, Cal thought. Messy, but boring; it was a fairly straight forward case. This was something Torres and Loker could easily handle, Cal mused. He closed the folder.

"Right then, this one belongs to you two." Cal said. "Write it up, sign off, and play the expert, if they need it."

Torres looked pleased. Cal caught her expression. Looking directly into her eyes and leaning into her space, he said, "_Loker_ will go to court, if they need expert testimony."

Ria reacted, and looked hurt. "Why him?"

"Because, love," Cal said, enunciating every word and hoping it was very clear to her, "no matter how naturally talented you are, what they want from an expert is experience and sheepskin."

"Sheepskin?" Ria said, momentarily confused.

"Degrees," Eli clarified. "You need them for credibility."

"Happy birthday, then." Cal said to Loker, as he smacked the file onto Eli's chest. Cal bolted for the door and disappeared through it.

"But it's not…" Eli began, still holding the file to his chest.

As the door shut behind Cal, Ria looked after him and said, "That's as close as you're going to get to appreciation, so take it."

"Oh. Where do you 'spose he's going?" Eli was still dumbfounded.

"Off to see mother," she smirked, "where else?" They had been referring to the senior partners as mom and dad for some time. It fit, since Lightman was the disciplinarian with the occasional life lesson and Foster was the nurturing one.

Eli shook his head in wonder. "Sonofabitch!" he said as Lightman's covert blessing sank in. Then it hit him: the thought of representing the firm in court frightened him. He was just a lab rat. "I don't know if I'm ready for this."

"Well, get ready," Ria warned. "Your talents belong to the world, now," she quoted wistfully.

"Says who?" Eli asked.

"Yo' papa," she bobbed her head, mocking him. Ria knew instinctively that Lightman was right. It had been the same old story since high school. No matter how competent you were, or experienced, you couldn't get anywhere without that piece of paper. It's what kept her there and putting up with Lightman's crap. He and Dr. Foster had given her this tremendous opportunity, but it was up to her to become an "expert" on paper. Ria had been thinking about this off and on for some time: that she needed to go after a degree, but it seemed such an overwhelming task.

Eli saw Ria's thoughts play out on her face. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Ria sighed. "Alright, let's get to it."

He needed a more interesting case, Cal thought, as he sauntered down the hallway. Something he could sink his teeth into and unravel like a complicated puzzle. Those were the cases that really interested him. Lies within lies complicated by juicy intrigue. He really got off on those. Unfortunately, those were the kind of cases that usually got him in big trouble, especially with Gillian.

I need a case that pays, Cal corrected himself. He already had an ongoing mystery he was trying to unravel; because the thing that was really puzzling Cal was what was going on with Gillian. She seemed to have changed lately. She seemed tense and overwhelmed, and it was harder to get her to smile. The changes were not sudden, but minor and insidiously cumulative. Not only was she not her usual sunny self, but sometimes when he was surreptitiously watching her, he could swear that he saw flashes of sadness…and just as quickly they were gone. Cal was worried about her; and he blamed himself. He had been a right git over the last year. After that last bit with Wallowski, for the first time he had read disgust on Gill's face, directed at them both; as if she was mirroring what Wallowski felt for her partner. It crushed him that she would think of him that way, which was why he had cut that relationship off. After everything they had been though over the years, he didn't want to jeopardize his friendship with Gill. He missed their banter, which most of the time now seemed to have lost its charm for her. But sometimes, he could swear, she flashed him looks. While she continued to push him away, her face at times told a whole other story, like she was hungry, but not for food. Puzzling, and definitely worth investigating.

Cal stopped in Gill's doorway. "Aye-up," He greeted. "Got a sec?"

Gill was doing paperwork, again. Her computer screen reflected in the picture frame behind her and he could see the familiar look of a spreadsheet. "I'll make time for you." Gill said, without looking up.

Cal approached the chair facing the front of her desk and flopped into it. "I gave the embezzlement case to Torres and Loker, and told Loker to do the court thing if it comes to that."

Gillian's eyebrows shot up as she finally looked at him. "You did?"

"Yeah. Okay with you?" he studied her face for approval.

"Of course," She said, uncertainly. "Cal, I'm….I'm…"

"You're shocked, yeah I get it." He said, bemused.

"It's just that I thought you'd never trust Loker with something like that." Gill said.

Cal put on his best nonchalant face. "It's time that kid got out of the lab and started helping out."

Gill arched her eyebrow at him, "And?" she coaxed. She knew there was more to it than that.

"And it was an easy case." He surrendered.

"Ah, there you go. Not as bold as I thought you were; but it's a start. I'm proud of you." She smirked, but her shoulder shrugged imperceptibly. "You always have an odd way of showing Loker your appreciation. I hope he figures it out." Cal pursed his lips in reaction, wondering if he had done the right thing. Gill saw his confusion and clarified.: "That you appreciate him, that is."

"Ah." He got it, now. "Well, time will tell, yeah?" Now Cal felt like a real blighter. He saw the shrug and it was still clear that something was bothering her, and he was sure it was at least partially because of him. He prompted, "Got any juicy new cases? Something I can take off your hands?" He offered, hoping to lighten her load.

"Not today. You could work on your book," Gill suggested, as she turned back to her computer screen.

"I see, you're busy and you're trying get rid of me." Cal huffed.

"Well, now you're a mindreader," she said, sarcastically.

"Nah, it's all over your face," he teased, with no effect. He didn't move to go. Cal considered her face, still lovely even when she was troubled, and decided to take the most direct route.

"Alright, Gillian?"

Something in his tone prompted Gill to look up at him. "Yes, why do you ask?"

"You're different lately, not as chipper." He left unvoiced the sadness, irritability and the predatory glances. Best to ease into a touchy subject; and a woman's mood was definitely touchy.

Gill's face hardened . "I'm very busy, Cal," she said dismissively.

"Yeah, I see that. But it's more than that, love. You're shirty, and you seem very tense." He got up and approached her, moving around to stand behind her chair.

Gillian's heart jumped. What was he doing? Like a frightened animal, she tensed even more, not sure how to react to his closeness and the fact that he was behind her. Then, just as quickly, understanding dawned about what he wanted to do before he did it and she relaxed, her stomach recovering from her fight or flight response. Fortunately, Cal missed her reaction.

"It's like you need a massage or something." Cal placed his hands on her shoulders lightly.

Just the heat of his hands on her neck was soothing. Yet, it was also electrifying. Gillian felt a thrill in her chest as Cal touched her, and she sighed. Silently, Gill closed her eyes and bent her head down, giving him tacit permission to touch and massage her. Simultaneously, she wondered why she had reacted the way she had and felt a flicker of annoyance at herself. This was Cal: he had never _physically_ hurt her.

Brushing aside the hair on Gill's neck, Cal detected a subtle waft of her perfume that caressed his nostrils and sent a little thrill through him. Her skin was so very soft, and he began to knead her shoulder muscles. He was astonished that underneath such soft skin he felt knots of seemingly tangled sinew. He moved his fingers down her back.

As Cal began to gently knead the muscles around Gillian's neck and shoulders, it was almost excruciating, pleasure and pain combined. Then he moved his fingers down her back and pressed a spot beside her spine just beneath her shoulder blade, and she suddenly flinched from his touch and sucked in a noisy ragged breath.

Cal startled at her reaction, instantly withdrew his hands and exclaimed, "Bloody hell, Gill!" He snickered at his own surprise and shook his head. "You've got some knots, love. What's got you so…?" but as the words left his mouth, Cal heard the intake of Gill's breath and a sob. He twisted forward and sought out her face. Tears began to stream down Gill's cheeks, and the volume of them for such a seemingly little thing amazed Cal. "My God, did I hurt you?"

Gill stood and stepped away a few paces. He _hadn't_ hurt her, that was the thing. Her shoulders were tight, sure, but she couldn't explain the overwhelming feelings that came upon her so suddenly when he touched beside her spine: a combination of sadness, irritability and anxiety. "You must have hit a tender spot," she deflected, but she couldn't stop crying and she didn't know why. She felt the edges of hysteria creeping.

Moving to her side, Cal gently placed his palm on her lower back. "I'm so sorry, Gill. Did it hurt that bad, or are you being a crybaby again?" he cracked, referring to her previous crying jag after being assaulted. This did nothing to stop the flow, nor did she offer the faintest hint of amusment this time. His heart twisted in his chest. _Bugger!_ "Shhh, love." he soothed and gathered her in his arms.

Burying her face in his shoulder, Gill shuddered and sobbed briefly and fought for control. She took a deep breath and composed herself. What the hell was that, she wondered. She pulled away then, saying, "I'm okay, now."

Reluctantly, Cal let her go. He went to Gill's desk and retrieved a tissue and handed it to her. He watched her dab at her face and blow her nose. "Sorry, I didn't mean…" he began.

"It's okay," Gill cut him off. "but do me a favor?"

"Anything." Cal agreed.

"Check the hall. I want to dodge into the bathroom and fix my face without anyone seeing me."

"No problem, love." Cal walked to the door, glad to be able to do something for Gill without hurting her any more. After looking left and right, he said, "Coast is clear." Gill bolted towards the loo; and he made for his office, making a detour to the kitchen. How had he hurt her so much with a backrub, he wondered. He grabbed a bottled water from the fridge and returned to the hallway. He was mystified and frustrated. He meandered back to his office to wait for Gill's return.

In the ladies room, Gill blew her nose again and splashed cold water on her face, then dabbed away the moisture with more tissue, wiping away the smeared makeup under her eyes. She ducked into a stall to go to the bathroom and take some deep breaths. _Damn!_ she swore softly, as she saw that she had just started her cycle. That explains it, she thought, thinking about how emotional she had been lately. Stress and PMS would explain her reactions, but she had never experienced anything so extreme before. She situated herself, and once she felt more composed, Gill headed back to her office. She started to pass Cal's door and thought better of it, and knocked.

Hands in his pockets, Cal was staring out the window towards the city. He turned towards the knock and took in Gill. "Feeling betta?" he asked.

"Much," Gill replied, abashed. She opened her mouth, and closed it, as she searched for the right words. She felt she had been abrupt with him, and he was just trying to help. "Cal, I…I'm sorry. I think I was cranky with you before."

"Nah," Cal waved away her concern, "it's alright, love. I hope you're okay." She nodded and he grabbed the bottle off his desk and brought it to her. "Here, why don't you replace some of the water you lost?"

Cal's awkward but thoughtful gesture was not lost on her. "Thank you," she said. "I really need to get back to work."

Cal saw the barrier go back up. He wanted to reach out to Gill, but she was so closed off from him and he didn't know how to help her…and couldn't begin to reckon everything that was bothering her. She seemed so…burdened, and yet acted like she wanted to be left alone with it. He determined to watch her and see if he could pick up any clues. "Call me if you need me, yeah?" he offered. As he watched her retreat, he noted there was no longer a bounce in her step and her usual perfect posture seemed deflated, somehow.


	3. Chapter 3: Bloody Hell

_[Alright, peeps, this one is rated M for __**Medical!**__ Those of you who are squeamish or don't want to read about female issues (are there, in fact, any guys out there?), turn away. However, I endeavor to educate. I've tried to make this as gentle as possible.]_

Chapter3: Bloody Hell

It had happened before, a couple months back. Pain. Gillian normally had heavy cycles because of her medical history, but that one had been unusually hard. It came and went, and she thought nothing of it, especially since the next month she was back to the usual. But this time was different. This was intense pain and extraordinarily heavy flow, which seemed to go on longer than it should. She had spent the weekend wrapped up with her heating pad, downing lots of drugs to keep the pain at bay. She wouldn't have thought of going to work, but there was so much to do and she had brought nothing home with her on Friday. Gill pulled on some black pants and matching sweater with a parrish blue blouse, all of which matched her mood, and headed to the office. She had planned to just go in, grab some stuff and leave, but it didn't work out that way.

Gill found herself stuck in the ladies room at work. She was ill prepared for just how heavy her flow would be today and now she was stuck in a stall, afraid to stand up, lest she mess up her clothes. She dug in her purse on the back of the stall door and pulled out her cell. No signal. _Damn!_ She wadded toilet paper and tried to staunch the flow, but as she stood up she felt a wet gush and sat back down. The paper dropped into the toilet and it sounded like she was urinating, but she knew she wasn't. There was a steady stream of blood going into the toilet.

She suddenly felt woozy, and put her head down, hoping not to pass out. She took slow, deep breaths, but also got very scared; and the adrenaline kept her going. As she sucked in air, she also heard a wimper escape her lips.

The bathroom door squeaked open. _Thank God!_ Gillian thought, and asked, "Who's there?"

"Gillian?" Torres answered, "it's Ria."

"Oh, Ria, would you do me a huge favor?" Gillian pleaded.

"Of course…" Ria said, curious. Foster sounded worried.

"I seem to have run out," Gillian said. "Can you get me a couple of pads out of the dispenser, please?" She hoped the heavy pads would hold until she could get home.

"Sure." Torres assured and retrieved the items, handing them under the door of the stall. "You okay?"

Gillian took the pads. "Yes, I just wasn't prepared…" she trailed off, hoping she sounded convincing. She heard Torres go into another stall. Gillian cleaned herself up as best she could, and stood up. She felt another gush. She reached down and placed the second pad for more protection, hoping it would hold. Looking down, she was alarmed at how much blood was in the toilet. She flushed and left the stall to wash her hands.

Ria came out and glanced at Gill in the mirror above the sink. "My god, Gill, you're white as a sheet! You okay?"

"Sure." Gill lied.

"No, you're scared about something." Ria said, concerned. "Can I help?"

"You're as bad as Cal," Gill smiled. "No, I'm fine." she assured the younger woman. "Just having a heavy day." She cocked her eyebrow at Ria, seeking acknowledgement that she understood what Gill meant.

Ria gave Gill a look that said she understood what she was saying, but she knew there was something more to it than that. She eyed Gill suspiciously. "You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm going home and get back on the heating pad." Gillian assured.

"Okay, call if you need something." Ria offered.

Gill smiled as reassuringly as she could. "I will." she said and smoothed her hair, trying to appear normal. The ladies left the restroom and went their separate ways.

Gillian, deciding what to do, made a beeline for her office while simultaneously reaching for her cellphone. She scrolled through the numbers in her contact list and found what she was looking for. As she sat down at her desk, she dialed the number of her gynecologist's office. A receptionist picked up. Gill explained in detail what was going on and was told she could come in today, that the doctor would see her at lunchtime. Gill said she would be there.

Somewhat relieved, Gill hung up the phone and set about gathering files she could take home to work on. She packed up her laptop and locked her desk. As she stood to leave, Gill felt another gush and her eyes went wide. She made another trip to the bathroom before she stopped by the reception desk and told Anna that she was leaving for the day and could be reached on her cell.

**LB LB LB LB**

As she walked into the medical office building, Gill spied a sign that said due to the use of medical equipment within, she should turn off her cell. She sighed as she pulled out the device and pressed a button. She hoped no one would call her, after what she had told Anna. The phone powered down and she entered the reception area. Gill identified herself at the window and was given papers to fill out. She took them and went to sit down. After she completed the paperwork, she made another trip to the bathroom, to put on a clean pad. Then she settled to wait, busying herself with some files from the office. Although she knew they were fitting her in without an appointment, which in itself worried her, she hoped it wouldn't be too long before she was seen.

Forty-five minutes later, Gill was called back to an exam room and asked to put on a gown with the opening in the back. Gill did as she was told and sat on the exam table, noting that the room was cold. She shivered and got up to put on her sweater. She situated herself back on the table and gathered the privacy sheet around her legs for warmth.

Shortly, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," Gill invited. The doctor entered with an assistant. Dr. Prasad was a kindly-looking older woman, who had been her gynecologist for years and had seen her through all the difficulties of trying to have a child. She was gentle and thorough, and Gill trusted her implicitly.

"Gillian," Prasad greeted. "So nice to see you." She took her hand and shook it. "Are you chilly?"

"Yes." Gill said as she pulled her sweater closer.

"Well, we'll see about getting you out of here quickly." Prasad promised, as she leaned against the counter and studied Gill. "What seems to be the problem?"

Gillian explained how she was having an extraordinarily heavy flow, which seemed to be pouring out of her, along with more pain than she had ever experienced with her cycle.

"This pain you are experiencing, you have never had anything like it?" the doctor questioned.

"Not this bad," Gill said. "It's barely tolerable, and that's with lots of pain meds. I've been taking something every two hours."

The doctor wrinkled her brow, and started writing notes. "Any other symptoms? Sensation of fullness or pressure?" she asked. Gill nodded. "Frequent urination?" Gill nodded again. "Pain during intercourse?" At the lack of reply, she looked up.

Gill hesitated. "I, uh…I don't…it's been a while." she said, embarrassed, and looked down.

"Ok," Dr. Prasad said and made a final note. "Let's take a look then," she said as she put Gill's file down and helped Gill ease down on her back. The doctor washed her hands as the assistant pulled out the stirrups from below the exam table. "We know you have had fibroids for years, but sometimes they can cause problems like this," the doctor explained as she craned her neck to glance at Gill's chart. "Let's see…you are 40, now, yes?" Gill nodded. "Any chance you could be pregnant?"

Gillian was taken aback by the question. It didn't occur to her until that moment that this was a bit similar to the many miscarriages she had had in the past, except for the intensity of the pain. But, no, it couldn't be. She had had many cycles since Dave had left, and he was her last. "No, not at all," she said and looked at the ceiling. The memories of lost pregnancies and of Dave were painful, and she pushed them aside.

Dr. Prasad placed her hands on Gillian's abdomen and pressed in multiple places. Between winces from the pain and pressure, Gill watched the doctor's face and saw puzzlement. The doctor donned gloves and performed a vaginal, pressing on Gill's abdomen again to complete the internal exam. Gillian studied Prasad's expression during the exam. The doctor flashed concern as she completed her test.

"What is it?" Gillian asked, alarmed.

As she removed her gloves, Prasad said, "Your uterus seems to be enlarged. We can't know why until we run some tests," she said. "I'd like to do some bloodwork and an ultrasound. Meanwhile, I can do a scraping, which should help lessen the bleeding. Let me check on a few things and I'll be right back."

The medical assistant cleaned Gill up a bit, while offering smalltalk to ease the wait. She set about getting ready for the next procedure, putting out a sterile tray of instruments.

Dr. Prasad came back into the room. "Gill, I'm afraid the ultrasound room will not be available until after 2pm. Can you stick around? If not, we can schedule later in the week."

By this time, Gillian was anxious to know what was going on. No, no waiting, she thought, I want to know what this is now. "Yes, absolutely." she said. "I can take all day."

"Okay," Prasad said. "Let me set that up and I'll be right back." The doctor ducked out of the room again and returned shortly. "That's all set up," she said. "Now, let's see what we can do about this bleeding." She sat between Gill's bent legs and donned gloves once again. "This is going to be uncomfortable, Gill," she said apologetically as she got the instruments ready. "I'll have to dilate your cervix, so bear with me."

Gill knew from experience that this was going to be painful. She gritted her teeth and waited. Gill felt the speculum enter her and expand. Then there was a biting pain in her center which lasted a little over a minute, all during which the doctor kept murmuring "Sorry." When it was over, she realized she had been holding her breath and let it out slowly, trying to relax.

"All done," the doctor said with a gentle smile as she stood up and removed her gloves once again. "I scraped what I could from the lining of your uterus, and took a biopsy sample, just in case. If you'll clean up and go to the lab, we'll take the bloodwork. After the ultrasound, we'll have a chat." Prasad promised and left the room with her assistant.

Gill glanced at her watch. She didn't see any point in dressing, but because it was going to be a little more than an hour before she could get in for the ultrasound, she put on her clothes and left the room. At the central nursing station, she told them her name and that she was supposed to have some bloodwork. A staff member showed her to a small room and asked her to wait. Shortly, a friendly looking blond girl walked in with paperwork in her hand. They chatted briefly and she prepared Gill for the venipuncture. The girl took several tubes of blood and placed a bandage on Gill's arm. She then directed her back to the waiting room, where Gill sat, wistfully watching the pregnant women come and go. Initially, she tried to do some work, but found that she couldn't focus on anything. Then she picked up some magazines and anxiously flipped through them. She hated all the waiting, and the worrying.

**LB LB LB LB**

It was after 2:30 pm before she got in for the ultrasound. Once there, she changed back into a gown and prepared for the test. The tech explained that there would be a pelvic and a transvaginal ultrasound, which was invasive and might be a bit uncomfortable, but not as much as the scraping she had had earlier.

As Gill lay on the table, looking at the monitor, she couldn't decipher what she was seeing, and the tech wasn't saying anything beyond making frivolous banter. Gill made a mental note to ask Dr. Prasad during their consultation.

More waiting. Now she was back in an exam room, having changed back into her clothing, waiting to speak with Dr. Prasad. This may be taking all day, she thought, but at least she was headed towards an answer. Gill took more pain meds and tried to relax, stretching her neck and rubbing her shoulders.

Dr. Prasad stuck her head in the door and asked that Gill follow her to her office, where she closed the door behind them. The office was comfortably warm and inviting, filled with medical books and mementos of the doctor's career and practice. Much more personal than the exam room, she thought. Gill noted a bulletin board filled with pictures of babies and children, and she surmised that these were some of the children her physician had delivered over the years. There was a little pang in her heart as she wished she had contributed to that bulletin board. Gill sat in one of the two padded armchairs facing a desk, as Prasad made herself comfortable behind it. The doctor glanced at a file on top of her desk, then folded her hands on top of it and looked at Gill.

"Gillian, as you know, you have a history of fibroid tumors, and you know that fibroids are benign." Gill nodded her head, remembering that they were fairly common, something like 1 in 5 women having them, usually in their childbearing years over 30. She knew that, for the most part, they were asymptomatic, but could cause heavy bleeding and cramping.

Dr. Prasad continued, "You recall we found some moderate-sized fibroids a few years ago, and they may have contributed to your miscarriages. Those were fairly minor and not deeply embedded." Prasad looked down at her chart then back at Gillian. "The ultrasound showed a mass a bit smaller than a baseball, which could be a very large fibroid." The doctor paused to let Gillian take this in. "If it is a fibroid, this is fairly large and seems to be myometrial, or in the muscle wall, which can be a bit problematic. Fibroid growth does seem to depend on the hormone estrogen, and as long as you are menstruating, the fibroid will probably continue to grow. I'd like to do a wedge resection to make you more comfortable and to make sure that's all it is."

Gill heard the word _mass_, and became panicky, barely hearing the last part. She wasn't sure what to ask. "A wedge resection?" was all she could manage.

"Yes, we can cut the majority of the mass out and take a look at it. Whatever it is, it's probably what is causing the pain, and the resection should relieve that, in the long run," Prasad said, and took another look at Gill's file. "We can set that up as early as possible, if you agree." Gill nodded numbly. "I'll schedule that as an outpatient surgery at the hospital, as soon as I can get you in." Prasad made a note. "Your bloodwork confirms that you are a bit anemic from all the blood loss, and you do have an elevated CA125, which is a test, like a pap smear, for cancer. Any family history of cancer?" she asked.

Gill's eyes widened. "No, none at all," Gill breathed out, her heart now racing.

"I don't want you to worry, it was a standard question," the doctor reassured. "I've seen nothing on your previous pap smears to concern me. And anyway, the CA125 tends to be elevated from menstruation, so it's not conclusive. Gillian, there is one other thing I need to explore…" the doctor looked at her expectantly, asking permission to continue.

As if she hadn't been given enough to digest, thought Gill, and her heart dropped to her toes. "Yes?" was all she could say.

"At your age, you may be experiencing some perimenopausal symptoms, which means that your hormones are fluctuating more than usual. Have you had any other symptoms we haven't discussed, even ones you thought were unrelated? Hot flashes, perhaps?"

"No, not those." Gill denied. Then she thought for a moment. Should she mention it? "My feet have been burning at night, and…" she hesitated, "I'm also having a surge in desire…"

"Those can be symptoms of fluctuating hormones, which could be a symptom of fibroids," Dr. Prasad reassured, "but it could also be a sign of perimenopause."

Gill was surprised. "Aren't I too young for menopause? I'm only 40!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, but in most cases it takes many years to become menopausal. During that time, there is a waxing and waning of hormonal levels and your body can do some pretty interesting things during that time. Here's a pamphlet so you can read up and prepare, even if it's not time for all that," Prasad offered as she reached behind her for a pamphlet and slid it over to Gillian across the desk.

Gillian took the pamphlet and tucked it in her purse. She thought back to the part about the mass and the surgery. One of her greatest fears surfaced, and she asked, "Is it possible I would need to have a hysterectomy?"

The doctor studied Gill's face, knowing what she had been through in the past to have a child. This isn't going to be easy for her, she mused. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves," she deflected. "Let's just see what's going on and move forward from there. Do you have any other questions?"

Gill was numb. So much information to digest, she didn't know where to start, and she suddenly felt stupid. "When will I know about the surgery?" she asked. Gill couldn't quite think straight.

"We'll call this afternoon, as soon as we get it scheduled." Prasad said, closing the file on her desk. "In the meantime, go home and get some rest. Try to eat some iron rich foods to boost your blood back up, and drink plenty of fluids," she instructed. The doctor stood and offered her hand. Gill shook it and turned to go.

"Thank you," she said, worriedly and left the office. As she walked to the front of the office and checked out, she thought, _Oh, my god!_ and began to feel anxious about all the different things this could be. She breathed in deeply. She knew she was getting older, and she knew the likelihood of having her own child was remote at best, but she did not like the finality of a hysterectomy. And – my god – perimenopausal! Her head swam with all the dreaded possibilities. _Get a grip_, she thought, as she left the building.

Once outside, Gill took a deep breath to try and calm down. One thing was for certain: at the very least, she would miss some work, so she had better set things up for that. No matter when it was scheduled, the surgery would take time away from her already busy schedule and put her further behind. Gill turned on her cell phone. She had been at the doctor's office for hours, and as she suspected, there were several missed calls. She scrolled through them, and they were all from Cal. She dialed his number.

"Where the hell have you been?" Cal answered, without greeting. He sounded irritated.

"Cal, Cal, calm down," she tried. "I wasn't feeling well, so I went to the doctor. It took longer than I expected, and now I'm headed home." After her initial reaction to his question, she began to realize how selfish he was being. "Thanks for asking." she said, sarcastically, then listened to the silence on the other end for several seconds.

There was an awkward pause as Cal was taken aback. Once again, he had neglected to think beyond his own needs, and now he felt like a real prat. Finally, he said, "You okay, love?" He sounded concerned.

"Yes, I'm fine," she lied, grateful that he couldn't read her face. "I'll probably be in tomorrow."

"What's going on, Gill?" Cal asked.

"That's private," Gill said, irritated. "Now, if there's nothing terribly urgent, I'll talk to you later."

"No, nothing that can't wait til tomorrow," Cal said. His mind filled with the possibilities of what could be wrong with Gill. He began to worry about her anew. "I'm sorry, Gill. Take all the time you need," he said. "And feel better, yeah?"

"Fine." Gillian hung up and put the phone back in her purse. She would clear her calendar when she heard from the doctor's office. To hell with Cal. Right now, she had an appointment with a heating pad and her bed.

**LB LB LB LB**

The next day was the first of several filled with anxiety. Waiting is like hell, Gillian thought, but at least the flow was less. She would have to wait until the end of the week for the surgery, she had found out, and Gill discovered that it was very hard to focus. She tried to stay busy, but every now and again her mind wandered to the nagging worry she felt. Gill tried very hard to push away the fear, but it was overwhelming, and she found herself pacing in her office to relieve the tension. What if it was cancer, she dared to wonder. The thought horrified her. She couldn't conceive of what that would be like; she just knew that the thought was terrifying. If it were that, she knew she would have to have a hysterectomy. The finality of losing her womb would be devastating, she knew. As much as she and Alec had tried to have a child, Gill had held out a vague hope that all was not lost. In spite of her age and lack of a partner, she still felt there was time to try again for a child, which was something she wanted more than anything else in the world.

About midday, Cal passed Gillian in the hallway. After the briefest of glances at her face, he stopped dead in his tracks, saying, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" He backed up and grabbed Gill's arm. Cal cocked his head, searching her face and said, "You okay, love?"

Gill was startled at the abruptness of his approach. Why did he always catch her off guard? she thought, and looked down at his hand on her arm. Gill set her face and replied, "I'm fine, Cal."

"Clearly not," Cal studied her face intently, "'Cause…you know…" he said as he gestured a circle around her face. "Anything I can do?"

Gillian knew he was reading her…again. "Cal, stop that. I'm fine; don't worry."

"Can't help it, love," he looked serious and concerned, "And you're doing enough worrying for the both of us. Come 'ere." he said as his hand slipped down to her wrist and he dragged her back down the hall.

"Cal…" Gillian began to protest.

"No, come 'ere." Cal said firmly as they entered her office and he closed the door. He softened his grip as he turned fully towards her, but maintained the contact and looked into her eyes, searching. The anxiety he saw there concerned him, but then seeing that she had no intention of explaining, Cal pulled Gill into his arms and hugged her tenderly. When he released her and searched her face, he saw that she had teared up just a bit. Why wouldn't she let him in? Cal swallowed and raised his eyebrows and gave her an expectant look. "Yeah?" he queried.

There was the faintest bit of doubt on Gillian's face. "Cal…I can't. It's too personal." Gill said as a tear made its escape and started down her cheek.

Cal put his hand to her face and caught the tear. "Well, whatever it is, darling, I'm here for you if you need an ear…or a shoulder. It's dried out a bit." he grinned, referring to the other day. Gill gave him a wan smile. "I just can't stand to see you in pain." Cal tried another tack to try and get her to talk about it. "Does this have anything to do with yesterday?"

The focus left Gill's eyes for the briefest moment as she considered. No, it's not something she felt comfortable discussing with him. They were best friends, but he was still a guy, and not her guy. They had not developed _that_ kind of intimacy. This was something she could only discuss with a close girlfriend, if only she had time for one. Gillian's gaze ended up on the floor.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'." Cal said, as he rubbed her arm. "What _can_ I do for you?" he asked.

"Nothing." Gill replied. "I just need to get back to work." She started backing away from him. "And I'm taking Friday off." She looked at him squarely, daring him to question her further.

Seeing her challenge, Cal reluctantly released her, and Gill turned to walk back to her office.

**LB LB LB LB**

Emily showed up after school and found her father in his study. Cal greeted her distractedly.

Emily saw that something was bothering him. "Dad, what is it?"

"Oh, I'm fine, love," he said, his brow furrowed. "It's Gillian."

Emily was curious. "Oh?" she said, knowing that her father would elaborate because he knew she shared a friendship with Gillian that went beyond what would be usual for the business partner of her father.

"Yeah, there's something going on with her." Cal said, looking into her eyes worriedly. "She's really scared about something, but she's clammed up."

"Really? She won't even tell you?" Emily queried. She knew this was unusual.

Cal chewed the side of his lip. "She says it's personal, but it's really got her worried."

Emily saw that her father was very concerned. "Want me to talk to her?" she offered.

Cal considered. He knew his daughter was close to Gillian, but he wanted to respect her privacy. "Nah, leave her be. She'll tell when she's ready."

Emily shrugged. "Okay, then give me some money."

Cal looked at his daughter, surprised. "What…was that a non sequitor?"

"Kinda." Emily smirked. "I'm tapped and I want to go get Gill something that will cheer her up."

"That's brilliant, love. What'll it be, then?" Cal was curious what his daughter had thought of.

"Some of that hot cocoa she likes down at the corner." Emily looked at him expectantly.

"That's the ticket. Maybe that'll perk her up a bit." Cal agreed as he dug in his pocket and pulled out a wad of bills. He started to hand her a $20, then withdrew it. "But don't go pokin yer nose…" he warned.

Emily grabbed the bill. "Right, Dad." she assured her father. Emily knew she had to be careful to make her offering innocuous.

**LB LB LB LB**

Emily poked her head in Gillian's doorway to see if she was in. Gill sat at her desk, typing. "Hi." Em greeted.

Gill looked up from her computer. "Oh hi, Em! How're you?"

"Fine. Emily said, walking into the room. "I brought you something…" she held up the hot cup.

Gill's eyebrows rose. "Oh? What is it?"

"Hot cocoa." Emily said, as she approached the desk.

"How sweet!" Gill exclaimed, and Em giggled. "I mean, of you. You really shouldn't have!"

"Yeah, well, my dad said you, um, were having a rough day." Emily said, shyly.

Gillian searched Emily's face, looking for…what? She hadn't told anyone, so Em couldn't possibly know.

Emily continued, "Cocoa always makes me feels better, so…" she let her voice drop but her face looked expectant.

Gillian rose and moved around the desk, thinking how sweet this child was, how loving and kind. She moved to stand in front of Emily and took the cup from her. Emily also handed her a very small bag.

"What's in here?" Gillian asked, curious.

"It's the whipped cream. I didn't want it to melt into the cocoa before you had a chance to enjoy it." Emily looked pleased with herself.

Gill placed the cup and the bag on the desk. "You thought of everything." Gill smiled and hugged Emily. "Thanks so much, Em, this was so thoughtful."

"You're welcome," Em replied. She searched the older woman's face. "Anything I can do for you?"

Gill looked into Emily's chocolate brown eyes and considered. She knew Em's concern was genuine, and she was reminded how very like Cal this girl was. She had the same level of concern and sincerity, only Em was softer in her approach, less confrontational. She knew Em wanted to help her, to provide support. They had shared so much in the past few years; girl stuff, things they wouldn't discuss with Cal. If it were anything else, Gill thought. In spite of Em's maturity, she was still just past childhood and had barely any experience with her own bodily functions. This was not something Gillian could comfortably discuss with her. If their roles were reversed, Gill would insist that Em confide in her and would understand. And, anyway, Gill didn't want to worry Em. It could be nothing, after all.

"No, I'll be fine." Gill said as she picked up the hot cup and caught a whiff of steamy fragrance from it. "Oh, is this from…?" she looked at Emily, who nodded, smiling, eyes shining.

"Oh, Em…you really know how to brighten my day!" Gill perked. "What a special treat! Thanks again." Gill turned back to the teenager and kissed Emily on the cheek. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Emily beamed. "Well, I'll let you get back to work. Let me know if I can do anything else for you."

"I will, sweetie." Gill gave the girl a one-armed squeeze. "See you later."

Moving back around the desk, Gill sat down and took a deep breath. Focus! she thought. Don't think about it. She removed the lid and inhaled the rich fragrance of the creamy liquid. Gill dumped the whipped cream on top and took a sip. As she swirled the warm sweetness around her tongue she thought, this is Heaven in a cup. Thank goodness for small things, she thought as she smiled to herself and savored her treat for the next half hour. Eventually her work made her forget her troubles for a little while more.


	4. Chapter 4:  Insult to Injury

_[Sorry about that last chapter. Hope it didn't turn too many people off. Unfortunately, it's the reality of the disorder. This one is still a bit medical, but not as graphic.]_

**Chapter 4: Insult to Injury**

_Cottonmouth. Throat scratchy. Bad taste/smell. Swallow = pain. Limbs heavy. _Gill reached the first level of consciousness after several hours of surgery, and these things were all her mind could register. She had only the vaguest impression of her surroundings, before….. _Darkness._

Forty five minutes later, she came to again and was able to open her eyes a bit. She couldn't seem to focus, there were annoying noises everywhere, there was something in her nose and then there was her throat…oh, her throat…! Gillian tried to swallow and it hurt. She tried to clear her throat and not only was that scratchy and sore, but it made her abdomen hurt. She closed her heavy lids and succumbed to the darkness once again.

Another half hour. "Dr. Foster? Gillian?"

Who was calling her, Gill wondered. "Hmm?" was all she could manage.

"Take a deep breath, Gillian," she was instructed, and she did. It was more like a sigh, really, and she let out a little grunt on expiration.

"Again, Gillian. Take a deep breath." She tried harder this time and was rewarded for her efforts. She felt more alert and opened her eyes. Gill focused on the face of a young brunette woman in blue scrubs who was holding her arm, pumping…something. It finally registered that the nurse was taking her blood pressure. She realized she was in recovery and it was over. She shivered.

"There you are!" The nurse said, smiling kindly. "I'm Carrie; I'm going to be watching you while you're here."

"So dry…" Gill croaked.

Carrie turned away briefly and came back into view. "Here's an ice chip, Gillian, open your mouth." She complied and was rewarded with a wet cold square, flat on the bottom and domed on the top, and oh so smooth. She sucked on it and swallowed the blessed water. It was lovely relief for her poor throat.

"Thank you," she said, groggily.

The nurse pulled drapes around the bed. "On a scale of one to ten, how's your pain?" Carrie asked as she checked Gill's dressing.

Gill did a mental check and considered. "About a four," she said.

"Good," Carrie said. "Then the pain meds are working. As soon as you wake up a little more, the doctor will come and talk to you about the surgery. More ice chips?"

"Please." Gill was grateful. Her head was fuzzy. She shivered again. "So cold."

"I'll get you a warm blanket, be right back," the nurse said as she opened the drapes again; and then she was gone from view.

Gillian glanced at her surroundings. This must be the recovery suite, she thought. It was similar to the pre-op suite, only this had no barriers between the beds. She supposed that was so the nurses had an unencumbered view of all the patients at once. Staff hustled and bustled about; and there were beeps and blips and alarms going off occasionally. She couldn't stop shivering and looked up at the long plastic fluid-filled bag above her and followed the tubing down to her right arm. She took her left arm from under the covers and moved her hand up to her face, smacking herself in the chin. She didn't quite have control of all her motor functions, yet. She tried again and was able to touch the real target, her nose, and found that there was an oxygen cannula there. The dry air blowing into her passages was not helping her throat.

Carrie came back with the blanket and placed it over Gill. "Here you go, that better?" she asked.

The blanket had actually been warmed, and Gill smiled her gratitude. "Mmmm, much." she said and shivered a final time. She took a deep breath and was able to relax her body in the warmth, discovering that her pain diminished. Then she asked, "what _is_ that smell?"

"Smell or taste?" the nurse asked, eyeing her.

Gill considered. "Um, I guess…both."

"That's a remnant of the anesthesia. It will go away in a couple of days." Carrie wrapped a cord around the bedrail, showed Gill the white button on the end and instructed, "If the pain starts to bother you, press this button. You can press it as much as you like, but it's a timed metered dose, so it's impossible to give yourself too much medication. Don't wait until your pain is unbearable to take the meds. If you keep yourself comfortable, you're likely to heal faster." She released the button and asked, "Can you reach this?"

Gill put her hand out and demonstrated that she could.

"Good, keep taking deep breaths. You're almost alert enough to leave here," she smiled. "We'll have to let Dr. Prasad know." Carrie checked the IV line and turned back to Gill. "You can continue to suck on ice chips as long as it doesn't make you sick to your stomach. Let me know if that happens, Okay?"

Gill was grateful and nodded. The nurse walked away to the central desk. It seemed that she was doing okay, and Gill was looking forward to going home. Just glad it's over, she thought as she rested her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes.

Someone was calling her name and Gillian realized she must have dozed off again. When she opened her eyes, there were two people on either side of her bed, one of them Carrie, who said, "Gillian, we're going to put you in a different bed." Gill didn't understand why and in her fuzzy state, she didn't care. They knew best, anyway. They placed her arms across her chest and grasped the sheet beneath her. On the count of three, they slid her over to the other bed which was cold beneath her. The jostling caused a bolt of pain in her abdomen and her hands shot out to grasp the bedrails as her eyes widened and she grunted and hissed.

"Here," Carrie said, as her hand moved to the white button and pushed it. "Sorry," she said. "We should have given you some of that before we moved you. You just looked liked you were comfortable."

"I was, until you moved me," Gill complained. She was surprised at how much it hurt. And now, she felt like she had to go to the bathroom and she said so to the nurse.

"You've got a catheter in, so that's not a problem," Carrie assured as she bent to check the device. "Everything looks okay; it may have pulled a little when we moved you."

"A catheter?" Gill was surprised. So many questions began to form in her mind, and she felt it was time for some answers. "Did I miss Dr. Prasad?" She asked.

"Dr. Prasad is on the floor, and will see you there." Carrie informed her.

On the floor….on the floor, Gill puzzled, but couldn't seem to focus. As the medication took effect, Gill sensed motion beneath her, as if she were flying. "What's going on?" She asked, to no one in particular. She was more groggy now, and her eyelids were very heavy.

"We're taking you to your r…." And she slept once more.

**LB LB LB LB**

Ria checked the time. _Why hadn't the hospital called?_ It wasn't supposed to take this long. Gill had called her into her office yesterday and had confided in Ria that she was having some "minor" surgery. She had asked if Ria would mind taking her to the hospital and picking her up afterwards. Gill didn't share what the procedure was, but said that the hospital wouldn't do it unless there was someone who could drive her home. Gill had explained that a taxi wouldn't do, since a patient recovering from anesthesia might give the wrong directions, be mistaken for a drug user or be taken advantage of. Gill hated to impose, she had said, but Ria had replied she was happy to help.

When she had dropped Gill off this morning, the hospital had assured her that they would call when she was in recovery so Ria could pick Gill up and take her home around lunchtime. However, it was already after one.

Her cellphone rang and Ria placed it to her ear. "Ms. Torres?" a voice on the other end asked.

"Yes?" Ria answered.

"This is Helen at George Washington University hospital. We just wanted to let you know that your friend Gillian Foster is in the recovery room."

"Is she okay?" Ria questioned. "That took a lot longer than I expected!"

"She's fine and is being moved to a room on the third floor." The woman on the other end of the line answered.

"That can't be right," Ria instructed. "I was supposed to pick her up afterward and take her home." The person on the other end of the phone hesitated. This isn't good, thought Ria.

"Are you family?" Helen inquired.

"No. I think her family's in California, but I'm not sure…" Ria puzzled. Why would they need to speak to family?

Helen spoke cautiously, "We just wanted someone to be aware of Ms. Foster's status." There was a rustling of paper on the other end. "Do you know her emergency contact, a Mr. Lightman?"

"Yes, I know Dr. Lightman. In fact, we work together." Ria responded, curious.

"Good, we haven't been able to reach him. Would you mind telling him that Ms. Foster is being admitted. She should be in her room within the hour, if you'd like to come see her."

"Did something happen?" Ria asked.

"I'm sorry, that's all I know." Helen responded apologetically.

"Thanks." Obviously things had not gone as planned, she thought as she snapped her cell shut. Ria had a panicky feeling in the pit of her stomach. Think….she prompted herself. She went to find Loker. He was in the lab, as usual, watching videos of animals and making notations in a book. "Loker?" she said.

"Hmm?" Loker responded, not looking at her.

"Eli!" Ria hissed as she tugged at his sleeve. "I need your help."

Eli turned his head to see what Ria was going on about. At the look on her face, he said, "Whoa, what's got you so upset?"

"Eli, it's Dr. Foster…Gillian." Ria set about explaining what she knew so far, and ended by saying that Lightman was listed as her emergency contact and the hospital had been trying to reach him. "I've got to tell him, and you know he's going to freak out."

Loker blew out his cheeks in a sigh of resignation. He knew this was not going to be easy. "Happy Friday," Eli said to her. "Let's go."

They found Cal in his office, reviewing video files. Ria knocked and asked, "do you have a minute?"

"Busy!" was all Cal said as he studied the faces on the wall. His peripheral vision let him know that she had not left. "Important?" he asked.

"I think so," Ria responded, "it's about Dr. Foster."

The tone in her voice got Cal's attention. He looked up to see both Torres and Loker standing there, worried looks on the both of them. He pressed the pause button for the video and approached the two younger colleagues. Ria was wringing her fingers. "What about Dr. Foster?" he searched her face and moved closer. Ria looked down. "Just spit it out, then," he said, impatiently.

Ria took a deep breath. "She's in the hospital…" she began. "They've been trying to call you…"

"Oh, yeah?" Cal saw the challenge in Ria's eyes. "Didn't recognize the number," he said dismissively. He pointed a finger at her face. "You knew about this before…" he accused.

"She was only supposed to go for a day surgery, but now she's been admitted." she met Cal's gaze. "She had asked that I keep it confidential, but I don't think things went as expected."

Cal's mind was awhirl with a maelstrom of emotions as he instantly began to form plans. Something must have slipped out from beneath his mask, since Torres stepped back from him, her eyes wide. "Nah, that's okay, love. I'm not going to kill the messenger," he said and watched her relax visibly. "Tell you what: you kids stay here and close up shop at the end of the day. I'm headed over to the hospital…which one?" he directed at Ria.

"GWU," Ria offered. "Third floor." Cal's eyebrows rose imperceptibly before he controlled his expression. Ria could tell that bit of information surprised him.

Torres and Loker exchanged a look of relief, as if to say _that wasn't so bad_, and left his office. Cal set about shutting things down and locking up. He grabbed his jacket and headed out, brusquely letting Anna know he would not be back.

"Have a nice weekend!" she called after him, without response. Man on a mission, she shrugged as she watched his back retreat through the door.

Cal puzzled as he walked to his car. He was familiar with the third floor at GWU: Emily had been born there. Gill wasn't obviously pregnant, but who knew, given the way she had been acting recently. He wasn't aware that she was seeing anyone, so she must have had some kind of female issue going on. Then the guilt set in. Why hadn't he seen what was going on? Cal went over the last week in his mind. A hundred little would-be clues presented themselves. He got in his car, berating himself. Why hadn't he insisted she tell him what was wrong earlier in the week? Her insistence that she was fine was contrary to everything he had read on her. He cursed the bloody line Gill always placed between them. How could he be a supportive friend when she was always shutting him out? Determined to get to his best friend to find out, he took to the street and headed northwest. A thought occurred and he pressed the button on the steering wheel for the speakerphone. "Number" the device recited. "Emily," replied Cal.

**LB LB LB LB**

She smelled Cal before she knew he was really there; Gill caught the faintest whiff that he was wearing the Lagerfeld aftershave she had given him one year…when was that again? It was the type of present she never should have given him. She liked the smell of the cologne, but on Cal, it was dangerous. Something about the fragrance when mixed with his natural scent was almost irresistible to her. She breathed in slowly through her nostrils, and sighed in her reverie. It was so pleasant and yet this couldn't be real. He was being so quiet, so still…Gill thought she was dreaming. She was vaguely aware that he was holding her hand, brushing the hair away from her face, kissing her forehead. If this was a dream, she didn't want to wake up.

Cal said her name softly: "Gillian." As she reclined in the hospital bed, Gill had such a peaceful smile on her face. He hated to wake her, but it was clear that she was coming to anyway. He didn't want to startle her, so he made his presence known. "Gill," he said again.

Gill finally opened her eyes. It wasn't a dream. Cal stood beside her bed, his passive mask gone, his eyes soft as he smiled at her.

"What are you doing here?" Gill said, sleepily. "Where's Ria?"

"She and Loker are closing up shop. My guess is they'll be along directly," he said, remembering the worried looks on their faces.

Gill was confused. She didn't understand why he was there. "Cal, did you bully Ria into telling you where I was?"

Cal looked offended. "I, bully?" he feigned outrage. "To the contrary, she came to me with the information. When the hospital called and told her you were being admitted, they asked about your emergency contact. So, here I am."

Not fully understanding, Gill looked for the first time at her surroundings. She was no longer in the recovery suite, but in a private room. Cal saw her surprise, and informed her again, "They admitted you, love."

"Why?" was all Gill could think to ask, as her body automatically sought to escape and she tried to sit up. The pain in her abdomen instantly made her reject that notion. She grimaced and laid back down.

"Easy, there," he said, as he watched her press a small white button attached to a cord around the bedrail. The lines in her face eased as she settled back into the bed. He reached for her hand again. "I'm afraid I have less information than you do, darling." he said as his eyes scanned her form, noting the various and sundry tubes and devices. He sought her face once again. "All I know is that you were supposed to be home by now, and you're not."

Gillian considered the inquiring look on Cal's face and determined it to be genuine, satisfied that he really knew nothing. The advantage of not having told Ria anything was that she couldn't be intimidated into divulging Gill's private business. Still, she was surprised at how calm Cal appeared, knowing how he hated a mystery.

Cal was, in fact, struggling to remain calm. Obviously, Gill didn't want him to know what was going on with her, which was tearing him up inside. He wanted to be supportive, and if that meant just listening or even leaving if she asked, then he realized he would have to respect that. But, god, all he wanted to do was to scoop Gill up and hold her to him, as if that would protect her from whatever hurt she was going through.

They both turned their heads as the door to the room opened. A small, older Indian woman in a white lab coat with a touchscreen device in her hand entered and closed the door. She surveyed the two of them and greeted, "Gillian, how are you feeling?"

Gill revealed the first thing that came to mind, "I'm tired, even though all I seem to be able to do is sleep."

"The anesthesia will wear off. You'll be much more alert tomorrow," the Indian woman said. She turned to Cal and offered her hand. "I'm Dr. Prasad, Gillian's physician."

Cal grasped her hand and shook it. "Cal Lightman, friend and business partner," he said and decided to clarify, adding, "…and emergency contact." He cocked his head and read the doctor's face. A feeling of dread overcame him. She had not come bearing good news. Cal decided better of pointing this out, and moved to the opposite side of the room as he watched the doctor replace him at the rail of Gill's bed.

"If it's okay, I'd like to go over the surgery and postop instructions with you," Prasad began. "Gill, since you are recovering from anesthesia, it would be best if you had another set of ears. Is it okay if Mr. Lightman stays, or would you prefer another person?"

Gill looked from the doctor to Cal and back again. "What do you mean, another set of ears?" she asked simply.

Prasad looked at Cal with a hint of sadness. Cal could tell this was a part of her job she did not enjoy. He didn't even know what she was going to say and he had to fight the urge to pace to rid himself of a growing sense of anxiety. "I have a lot to discuss with you," Prasad said, choosing her words carefully, "and instructions for your recovery. I want to make sure that you hear and understand what I am telling you. Because you are recovering from anesthesia, having another person hear the same instructions will help assure that they are followed and your recovery will go well."

Gill considered. Who else would that be, she wondered. Cal was her friend, and as annoying as he could be, he was also the closest thing she had to family in this part of the country. While these particular medical issues were something she felt embarrassed about sharing with him, she could think of no one else who she would designate as medical proxy. "Okay," she said to Prasad finally. "He can stay." Gill looked at Cal, silently warning him to behave, mostly out of habit. She had to admit now, she was glad he was here.

Cal breathed a sigh of relief. He moved closer to the bed and took up Gill's hand once more.

"As you know," Prasad began, "we had planned a laparoscopic wedge resection, but we found a more extensive myometrial fibroid than could be seen on ultrasound. The tumor had not only grown within the muscle tissue of the uterus, but outside the confines of the organ capsule as well, all of which explains the magnitude of the pain you were experiencing. We had to convert to an open procedure so we could get at all of the tumor and explore your abdomen further. The good news is, the mass was benign; a fibroid as we suspected. And of the tissue samples we took from your pelvis and abdomen, we found nothing of concern."

Cal was taken aback at the magnitude of the medical issue Gill had been hiding. Some of the terms were unfamiliar to him, but he caught the gist of what the doctor was saying. A tumor, and a painful one at that, he thought as he looked at Gill for her reaction. Gill stared at the doctor, eyebrows knit together, yet she said nothing. He could only imagine what was going through her mind as she tried to take it all in, while recovering from the anesthesia and under the influence of pain meds. His mind raged against whatever bad luck had determined that this happen to Gill.

Cal switched his gaze to Prasad, who appeared to also be gauging how Gill was absorbing the information. He knew there was more, and grew impatient. "Drop the other shoe then," Cal prompted the doctor, and instantly regretted it. At the surprised look on Prasad's face, he said simply, "Sorry."

His comment seemed to wake Gill out of whatever trance she was in. She looked at Cal and with an annoyed expression, said, "Shut up, Cal. You're supposed to be helping me listen."

Prasad continued, "As is usual with any tumor, we did an intraoperative biopsy. Unfortunately, we found some suspiciously abnormal cells in the lining of the uterus. Given that, plus the sheer size of the tumor, I'm afraid we found it prudent to do a total hysterectomy," the doctor paused.

Gill's eyes widened. One of her worst fears realized, she drew in a sharp breath and blanched. Cal saw the look on Gill's face go from intent to stricken. He knew what this meant to her, yet he was helpless to protect her from the news. Gill's hand constricted on his, yet she said nothing, and showed no other reaction, until he saw the pools form in her eyes.

Dr. Prasad watched as Gill's reaction unfolded. Uncertain if she should continue, she waited patiently. She watched as Gill's friend moved to soothe her. He pushed the siderail of the bed down and sat on the mattress next to her, placing his arm around her shoulder and holding her hand to his chest. As silent tears spilled from Gillian's eyes, he kissed the side of her head and whispered into her hair. It was clear to Dr. Prasad that this man cared a great deal for Gillian, which would be helpful in her road to recovery. She would need all the support she could get. She cleared her throat. "Do you wish for me to come back?" she asked.

Cal had momentarily forgotten about the doctor, so intent was he on Gillian. It was as if she had folded in on herself and appeared to be in shock. He wasn't even sure she was listening anymore. "She might need a minute," he said, uncertainly. "Gill? Are you with us, love?"

Gill took her hand from Cal's and grabbed the sheet to wipe her face. She sniffed and swallowed, then began to cough, but struggled to stifle it as pain from her abdomen jolted her. Prasad grabbed a spare pillow from a chair and placed it on Gill's stomach. Splinting her incision by pressing down, the doctor said, "go ahead and cough, Gill." Gillian let the spasm go and coughed several times, but it was clear the action caused her a great deal of pain. The pain must have been like a slap in the face to make her wake up, and Gill began to cry in earnest now, sobbing and drawing up her legs as she grasped at the pillow for support. The doctor reached for the white button and pressed.

Cal removed himself from the bed and looked at Prasad helplessly, silently asking for direction. He wanted anything that would help ease Gill's pain, physically and emotionally. He couldn't stand to see her this way. "It may be too soon," he said. "She pushed the button right before you came in."

The doctor nodded her head imperceptibly at Cal and consulted the medical chart in her hand. She scrolled through the record, pressed the nursing call bell and stuck her head out the door of the room without fully leaving. Cal heard her giving instructions and caught the word 'diazepam'. He thought this was a very good idea.

Prasad came back into the room with a syringe in her hand and a flat white square. She tore open the square and the scent of alcohol permeated the room. The doctor swabbed a port on the intravenous and injected the contents of the syringe into the tubing. "I'm giving her something to calm her down," she said, capping the needle and placing the syringe in her pocket. "I don't want her to tear her stitches with the crying and coughing," the doctor said as she watched Gill relax and drowse.

"Thank you," Cal said, relieved. He searched the doctor's face. She looked at Cal and he realized that she had more to tell them. He looked down at Gill and back to the doctor. "There's more, isn't there?" he asked. Cal saw Dr. Prasad take a deep breath and set her jaw. He quickly reviewed in his mind what he had already heard and realized he should revisit one statement he had found puzzling. "Just what did you mean by suspiciously abnormal cells? Cal asked.

"I sent the tissue we removed to pathology straight away," Prasad said, "and the preliminary report confirmed that there were some abnormal, cancer-like cells in Gill's uterus, but we couldn't identify a distinct mass. Therefore, I have ordered an extensive pathological survey of the uterus."

"So, what you're saying is," Cal swallowed, "Gill has cancer."

Prasad eyed Cal, trying to gauge what to say to make him understand. "I have to emphasize that this finding was _incidental_ to the benign fibroid tumor. Without a separate distinct mass, one cannot assume this is cancer, but we must look at all the possibilities. We will know in a day or so what the findings are and we can go from there." she paused. "It could be that we identified something that was trying to develop, and just hadn't yet."

Cal thought he understood, but patience was not his strong suit. "You'll let us know as soon as you can, yeah?"

Prasad nodded. "Of course."

Cal looked down at Gill. "No point in upsetting her any more." he said as he smoothed a strand of hair away from her cheek. He looked at Prasad. "I'm not going to tell her any of this until you know for sure."

The doctor nodded her assent. Gillian was a lucky woman to have such an advocate, she thought, as she prepared to leave.

"How long will she be in hospital?" Cal asked.

"Major abdominal surgery like this is about three or four days," Prasad informed him. "Gill has some work to do before she can be discharged. She will be working with physical therapy and a case manager in the meantime." the doctor said as she made a note in the chart. "Will I see you over the weekend?" she asked.

"I'm not going anywhere," Cal assured her.

"Good, I'll see you tomorrow. Perhaps then we will get a chance to discuss her recovery." Prasad turned to go.

As she opened the door, Cal spied Emily standing in the hallway with a vase of flowers tied with a cheery balloon. He waved her in and she stepped into the room, being mindful not to knock things with the balloon. "Hi, Dad," Emily said, looking down at Gill. "I got your message and came right after school. What happened?" Cal opened his arms to her and she stepped into them. From the worry on his face, she sensed he needed a hug, and squeezed him firmly. "You okay?" she asked.

Cal ran his hand over his face. What to reveal to his daughter? he pondered. "Yeah, I'm fine." he said. He looked at Em's face and saw the question in her eyes. "Gill's just had some day surgery with some unexpected results," he said. "I didn't even know about it until after they admitted her."

Emily's expression now mirrored her father's. She knew he wasn't telling her everything. "Is Gill okay?"

"Yeah, I think so, she's just knackered from all the drugs." Cal deflected, trying to sound casual.

"Really?" Em said, doubtfully.

Cal decided he shouldn't say any more. He grasped Emily's chin. "Enough questions," he said. "Gill will tell you what she wants you to know when she wakes up. Confidentiality, and all that."

Emily glanced at Gill's sleeping form. "It doesn't look like that will be anytime soon," she guessed, then looked at her father. She knew that look in his eye. "And you're going to be camping out here, aren't you?"

"Listen, Em," he said emphatically. "If it were you, would you expect anything else?"

Emily nodded. "Dad, you know she's in good hands, don't you?"

"I'm sure she is," he agreed. "I just want to make sure she has a friendly face and a hand to hold when she's awake, whenever that might be."

A large array of flowers appeared in the doorway, and the volunteer set them on the windowsill. The card said they were from the office, Cal read and thought, Torres and Loker must have arranged for them. Cal opened his phone and called Torres. When she answered, Cal asked, "All quiet on the work front?"

"Yeah," Ria replied. "How's Dr. Foster?"

"Out like a light." Cal responded. "You might want to hold off coming to see her until tomorrow."

"She okay?" Torres asked, concerned. "How long will she be there?"

"A few days," Cal said. "But she's in good hands," he reassured, taking a page from Emily's book. He let her know the flowers had arrived before completing the call and then put his phone on vibrate so as not to wake Gill if it rang. He turned back to his daughter. "When you come back, will you bring me an overnight bag?"

Seeing that he was firm in his resolve, Emily agreed. She knew better than to argue with her father when he was like this. Besides, she couldn't blame him. She was concerned about Gill, too; having him there made her feel better and she knew that Gill would feel the same. She hung around a little longer; and since Gill was not waking up, she went home to her mother's house. She would go to her dad's in the morning before returning to the hospital.

**LB LB LB LB**

Nurses and other hospital staff came and went as Gill slept. Finally, someone brought a dinner tray and set it on the overbed table. Cal surveyed the meal, and found that it was all liquids. He picked up the menu card, which said "Clears" on it. He supposed he should try to get some nourishment into Gill.

"Gill," he called softly, and stroked her cheek.

Gill stirred and opened her eyes a slit. She recognized Cal and her eyes went to the window. "What time is it?" she asked, disoriented.

"It's suppertime." Cal said, pulling the tray table closer to her and watching her closely. He wasn't sure how much she would remember from earlier. "Hungry?" he asked.

Gill blinked and forced her eyes to open more. "Yes, actually," she said and looked at the tray. She wrinkled her nose, then spied the red Jello. She brought her hands up to grasp it and noticed the IV in her right hand. She looked around the room then and noticed the flowers. Things were coming back to her, and her eyes unfocused for a minute as she remembered Prasad's visit. "Cal?" she said.

"Yes, love?" he responded, waiting.

"Thank you for being here." Gill said, shyly, and looked down at the sheet. She seemed embarrassed.

"Love, I want to be here," he reassured her. "I just wish you had told me sooner." Cal ducked his head to try to catch her eye. "Why didn't you, Gill?" he asked, trying not to sound accusing.

"It was private, Cal." Gill said, still looking down.

"I thought we were friends, and friends support each other," Cal retorted, "no matter what. I tried to get you to talk about it earlier in the week, but you were so closed off to me."

Gill looked up into his eyes and seemed irritated. "Let's face it Cal. This is not something you tell a _male_ friend. I didn't think we had that type of relationship."

"Yeah, I can understand that," he said and then reconsidered. "Still, it's not like I haven't been married; I've seen childbirth and I am familiar with the anatomy and function of female bits. It's nothing to be embarrassed about," he concluded.

Gill gave him a look. "Maybe not for you." she responded, sadly.

"Well, I wouldn't have been," he tried again, but realized that it was a moot point. What mattered now was that he was here to help in any way he could, and he needed Gill to accept that. "Gill, you know I care about you," he began again. "You and Emily are the most important people in my life. If anything hurts you, it hurts me." He paused, and sought her eyes. "Don't shut me out anymore, Gill," he said as he reached for her hand. "Let me help you through this, now."

Gill's eyes filled with tears and she blinked them away, as she nodded her head. "Okay," she acquiesced. There was an awkward pause as she considered the last week. "Cal, I'm sorry," she swallowed.

"Don't be, love," he moved to hold her as best he could around the tubes. He stroked her hair, and kissed her temple, trying to soothe her; and Gill welcomed his comfort at last.

_[You're right, Sash Queen, Gillian doesn't deserve this; but no one ever does – it just happens. It's our character that determines how we deal with it. If anyone is still out there, let me know what you think. Thanks!]_


	5. Chapter 5:  Intimacies

CHAPTER 5: Intimacies

Gillian awoke in pain and looked around. It was dark in the hospital room and at the window; there was only a sliver of light under the door to the hallway. She had no way of knowing what time it was; she just knew it was before dawn. Gill turned her head and saw tiny LED lights flicker from her IV machine and listened to the hum of the sequential compression device on her legs, there to assist with circulation until she was up and about. Gill groped for the button to manage her pain and pressed it, hearing a faint whir as the drugs were released from the machine into her line. She detected another noise, a soft snore coming from the left side of the bed by her thigh. She reached her hand out tentatively and touched a head, Cal's head, as he rested it on the bed at her side. As she gently lay her hand on him, he didn't stir; he must have been very tired from the day before and last night. _Knackered_, he would have said, and she smiled. Gill stroked his fine straight hair lightly. As her abdominal pain began to ease off, Gill felt another type of pain in her chest, more of an ache really, for this man. How could he drive her so crazy with anger and frustration one day and be so sweet the next? This was one of his sweet moments, as he had refused to leave her side for the night, even after having seen her through another crying jag. Cal stirred and she took her hand away.

"Don't stop, that feels nice." he said, and lifted his head. "Alright, Gill?" Cal asked quietly, as he stretched. Sleeping in a chair had not been easy on his back.

"I'm sorry I woke you," Gill whispered. "Go back to sleep."

"Nah, I'm up," he said, rubbing his eyes. Gill saw a small blue flash as Cal checked his watch. "Can I get you anything?" he asked.

Gill cleared her throat. "A little water, maybe. What time is it?"

"Four-thirty-ish," Cal said as he groped towards the bathroom and ran into the door. "Tom tit!" he swore as he pushed the door to, leaving just a crack and flicked the switch for the light within, creating illumination in the outer room without blinding either of them.

"You okay?" Gill worried. She could now make out more than vague shadows, and saw that he was shaking out his hand. He looked more disheveled than usual, and needed a shave badly.

"Yeah, yeah, just hit my hand." Cal rubbed his fingers and moved to the bedside table to pour a cup of water. He handed it to Gill and watched her sip, reaching to straighten a stray strand of her hair. He noted that, even after surgery and with no makeup, she was still the most beautiful woman he knew. The redness and swelling about her eyes from last night's cry was gone, and she looked more refreshed and alert. He thought back to the information that he had gotten from the doctor the day before and his stomach twisted.

Gill glanced at Cal, noticed him staring at her and she surveyed his tired features. Whether from fatigue or something else, he had failed to put on his mask and she saw his concern. Maybe it was the hour: he appeared open and vulnerable; and he was so seldom this still and quiet. It wasn't a look she saw often, but his eyes were soft and even a little sad, reminiscent of the expression he sported the many times she had known he was thinking of his mother. She handed the cup back to him and gave him a little smile. "Thank you, Cal."

"You're welcome, love," he said as he placed the cup back on the table. He turned back to face her.

"No, I mean _really_, thank you," she emphasized, "for everything. You didn't have to come to my rescue," and she teared up at the thought of how selfless he was being.

"But you liked that I did," he teased, lifting his hand to point at her face, and a corner of his mouth lifted.

Gill grabbed his hand playfully and pulled it down, compressing her lips in a smirk. "Cal…" she said in a warning tone. He never stopped reading her.

Cal chuckled and held onto her hand. Their playful exchange gradually changed to looks of mutual appreciation as they stared quietly into one another's eyes. Without thinking, Cal reached out his other hand and gently stroked her cheek with his thumb, then he leaned in and kissed her lightly on the lips. "You're _really_ welcome," he said, matching her previous emphasis. Before he backed away, he leered at her, "My pleasure," he said suggestively, as if he were expecting more.

She chuffed, shook her head and rolled her eyes as she placed the palm of her hand on his face and gently pushed him away. He never gave up, she thought.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Without waiting for a response, a young man in white from head to toe entered with a tray filled with red and purple-topped glass tubes. He explained he was there to draw blood samples, and had to turn on the overhead light. Gill and Cal blinked in the sudden brightness of the room. And so the day began.

**LB LB LB LB**

After Gill had breakfast, if you could call it that, there was a constant stream of hospital personnel in and out of the room. Cal was chased out when the nursing assistant came in to help Gill bathe and change her bed, then again when the nurse came in to change her dressing. It was like blinkin' Grand Central, he thought, and paced the hall. He went to the cafeteria and grabbed some breakfast and a large coffee and busied himself with watching faces and making plans.

When the nurse pulled the bandage off her abdomen, Gill was shocked by what she saw. She stared dumbly at the long red vertical incision line, covered by clear gauzy adhesive strips to keep the wound approximated, and was reminded of the loss of her womb. _This cannot be happening to me,_ she thought, sadly.

She also had tubes coming out of either side of her abdomen, attached to rubbery bulbs just smaller than the size of her fist. Each was filled with about an ounce of pink fluid. The nurse explained that the drainage tubes would come out in about a week, and instructed her how to clean around where they exited her body, empty them, compress them to recreate the suction and measure the amounts to report back to the doctor. Gill could practice this while she was still in the hospital, but for now, the nurse pinned the bulbs to her clean hospital gown, and informed her that this was how she should carry them about when she started walking, so that they wouldn't pull on the single stitch that held each in place.

Cal stood in the hall outside of Gill's room, leaning up against the wall and sipping coffee. When the nurse exited the room, she flashed a smile of apology to him and left the door open. Cal sauntered in. "Alright, then?" he asked Gill, whose face was sad and wistful.

"Yeah," she sighed. "Just a little overwhelmed." Gill's eyes teared and she wiped them away as they started to spill. "I'm sorry," she sniffed. "I just can't stop. I know you think I'm a big crybaby."

Cal moved to hand her the box of tissues they had left on the bedside table the night before when she had calmed after the last bout. He made a mental note that the small box was nearly empty and he would have to ask the staff to replace it. "Shash," he dismissed. "You've every right, love." He sat beside her on the bed and patted her thigh as she wiped her nose.

Gill caught a whiff of Cal's coffee and brightened slightly. She looked at the cup in his hand. "You found a Starbucks in the hospital?" she asked dubiously.

"Yeah," he responded. "They've got a whole flippin' food court on the second floor."

Gill's eyes widened in surprise. "Really? Smells a lot better than the stuff I got this morning."

"Finish it then," Cal offered and held the cup out to her. He saw the briefest flash of hesitancy on her. "Well, go on, I don't have cooties…," he waited a beat as she reached for the cup, "…today."

Gill lifted an eyebrow and noted the twinkle in his eyes. "Implying that you usually do?" she asked.

"I wouldn't worry so much if I were you, Gill," he observed, "with all the antibiotics they've got you on!"

**LB LB LB LB**

When the physical therapist came in to get Gill up for the first time, it was a major production. All the tubes and contraptions had to be situated. At first they sat Gill on the side of the bed so she could get her bearings. When she tried to stand for the first time, Gill's eyes rolled back in her head and she nearly hit the floor. Cal, who had been flanking her on the opposite side from the therapist, helped catch her and get her back on the bed, then went for a cold washrag for her head. His face was the first thing Gill saw when she woke up.

"What happened?" Gill said groggily.

"You passed out," Cal said, wiping her face. "Must be all those great drugs," he smiled.

It was decided that Gill would just sit up in the chair for her first time out of bed.

A short while later, Emily pushed the door to the room open and entered, laden with bags. "Wow! Look at you," she said to Gill and bent to give her a kiss on the cheek. "You look much better."

Gill was surprised. "Were you here last night?" she asked.

"Yeah, Dad didn't tell you? He called me on the way to the hospital. I came after school, but you were sleeping." Emily informed her.

Gill eyed Cal. "No, he didn't tell me."

"You were a bit preoccupied," Cal shrugged and greeted his daughter with a kiss.

"Here," Emily said and handed Cal an overnight bag. "And here." She also handed him a soft canvas briefcase.

"What's this?" Cal looked surprised.

"It's your laptop. I thought you might make use of this instead of dossing about and getting in the way."

"Oi! I'm keeping Gill company." Cal said, slightly irritated with his daughter at the implication. "She's the one who's supposed to be dossing about! Although I have to say, they've kept her busy this morning. No rest for the wicked, I reckon." he finished, winking at Gill who gave him a knowing look. He put the computer bag down on the chair, retaining the other. "You mind terribly?" he said to Gill, tossing his head towards the bathroom door.

"No, go right ahead," Gill said, then reconsidered. "Cal, you should really just go home and get some rest."

"Wouldn't hear of it," he said and ducked into the bathroom to shower and change.

Emily sat on the bed, and rolled her eyes before smiling at Gill. "So, is he driving you crazy, yet?"

Gill smiled kindly and considered. "No, actually, he's been good company…and very helpful."

"This is _my_ dad we're talking about, right?" Emily said, incredulously.

"Yes," Gill smiled at Em's response, "He's been surprisingly quiet and attentive."

"My god," Em exclaimed. "What did you do, give him Ritalin?"

Gill started to giggle, and grabbed her abdomen to splint it. "Ow!" she groaned. "Don't make me laugh!"

A concerned look came over Emily's face. "I'm so sorry!" she said. "I didn't know it would hurt you."

"It's okay, I'm just a little sore." Gill sighed as the pain settled. "I'm sure your dad told you what happened."

"No, actually he didn't." Emily said. "He said that was up to you," she hesitated, "but you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Gill was incredulous. It was so unlike Cal to hold his tongue…about anything. "Maybe you're right," she said conspiratorily. "Maybe someone has kidnapped your dad and there's an alien in the bathroom." They both smiled knowingly.

Emily tucked her hair behind her ear. "You know he cares a lot about you, right?" Emily asked seriously.

Gill met Emily's eyes, then held out her hand. "I know you both do," she said and Emily grasped it. "And I hope you know you're like family to me."

"I know," Emily reassured her. "You've been so good for my dad; and I like hanging out with you."

Gill knew there was so much more to Em's simple statement, as she thought back over all the little intimacies they had shared. If she had been blessed with a child, she could only hope that it would turn out as special as this young lady. Gill decided she would try to explain what happened and took a deep breath. "I was supposed to have a little benign tumor removed, but it turned into a full hysterectomy," she explained as simply as she could. Even those few words made her eyes tear and Gill pressed her lips together and looked at the ceiling to try and get them to dissipate.

There was a sharp intake of breath from Emily and she exhaled, "Oh, my god!" She squeezed Gill's hand. "I'm so sorry, Gill. I know that makes you feel totally sad." Emily knew some things about Gill's aspirations of motherhood. She remembered how happy Gill and her husband were when they adopted Sophie. She had enjoyed the few times she had been allowed to watch the infant after school when Gill had brought her to the office on a few occasions. She also remembered how devastated Gill was when she lost her little girl.

There was a knock on the door and Gillian called, "Come in!"

Ria and Eli entered, with a fruit basket. They smiled when they saw Gillian and Emily, and kisses where exchanged all around. Eli stood with his hands in his pockets, seeming a little uncomfortable, Gill thought; although whether it was because of all the women or the setting, she could not divine. Ria chatted with the girls and was glad Gill seemed okay. She did not press for details, knowing that Gill would share in her own time, if she chose.

The bathroom door opened and Cal entered the outer room, preceded by a puff of steam. He was clean shaven and his hair was wet, but he looked refreshed. He took in the room, noted the fruit basket and greeted Torres, then shot a look at Loker. Cal got a devilish gleam in his eye. "Interestin' that you show up at the same time," he paused, "…together." Then he added: "…on a Saturday." A couple of jaws dropped. "Just sayin'," he finished.

Torres and Loker looked at each other. Loker went on the defensive, as he so often did with Cal. "We arranged to come together; you know, carpool?" he said.

Gill pleaded in the name of keeping the peace: "Cal, be nice or leave." It never ceased to amaze her how badly Cal treated Loker for no apparent reason. Could it be he was still angry about the Joseph Holland case? But then again, maybe it was some primal animal instinct of dominance, and she supposed Loker would understand that better than she.

Loker and Torres left after a brief visit, not wanting to tire Gill out too much. Cal and Em sat with Gill engaging in pleasantries until her lunch tray came in. Cal helped to set it up and pulled the tray table up to Gill's chair. He lifted the cover to find a cream soup with noodles and vegetables cooked to the point of near-disintegration, none of which looked appetizing. He knew the highlight of the tray for Gillian was the chocolate pudding. He screwed up his face and said, "Blimey, Gill, when are they going to send you some decent food? You've got to be getting tired of this lot. At least they sent you your favorite food group," he said, indicating the pudding.

Gill smirked, "I think they're trying to ease me back into it. She ate a little bit and had to agree with Cal about the quality of the food. She set the pudding aside after carefully wrapping it in the dried cellophane from the top of the vegetables. Suddenly she felt very tired and leaned her head on the back of the chair, closing her eyes and sighing.

"I think it's nap time." Cal said as he rang the nurse for assistance. "You've had a busy morning, Gill."

"I am tired," Gill said. "Why don't you and Em go get something to eat?" she encouraged as the nurse entered the room. They put her back in the bed and settled her in with all her devices, making sure she had her call bell handy.

"I'm going to take off. Get some rest and call me if you need anything," Em said and bent to kiss Gill on the cheek. When she was still very close to her, Emily whispered "like a new roommate." Gill smiled sleepily.

"Lunch on me, then," Cal said as he grabbed the computer case and moved toward the door with Emily. He looked back as he pulled the door behind him and saw that Gill was already dozing. They headed to the food court and Emily looked worried. Cal put his arm around her shoulder. "Spill it," he encouraged her.

"Dad, Gill told me what happened to her." Emily said, studying their feet as they walked along. "Is she going to be okay?"

"I think she's going to be just dandy in a few weeks," he said. "She just needs a bit of time to heal," he tried to sound confident, and set his face. He didn't want Emily to see just how worried he was. He could only hope that he was telling the truth.

They went through the lines at the food court and chose a table. Cal emptied their meals onto the table and found a place to get rid of the trays. He sat heavily and slung the computer case on the back of his the chair. "Got something to write with, Em?" he asked.

"Um, not sure," she said, grabbing her purse and fishing around within. She came up with a pen, which she offered to him, and said finally, "but no paper."

"We can use the computer, then." Cal suggested and began to reach for the case.

"For what?" Emily was curious.

"We're making a list," he declared.

"Really, dad?" she said. "You're using a computer for a simple list? You know, technology hasn't completely replaced paper," she rolled her eyes. "And anyway, I don't think you're going to get a signal in here, even if you want to send the list in an email." Emily said, grabbing a napkin from the tabletop dispenser and holding it up to him. She gave him her best '_duh_' look.

Cal simpered and grabbed the napkin from her hand. He tested the pen on the paper to see if it would write, which caused the thin institutional napkin to tear. Frustrated, he declared, "Now, you see that? Why is everything in this bloody hospital such crap?"

Emily was surprised by his reaction. He was tired and obviously distracted, but she also knew this demeanor of her father's. It was his 'man with a plan' attitude and she knew once he got going on a scheme, he was hard to dissuade, even with petty things like the napkin. Cal grabbed more napkins and tried again.

"What's the list for?" she asked, trying to see what he was writing.

Cal carefully wrote a couple things. "For Gill," he said. "When you come back, I want you to bring some of her stuff from home." He looked up at her. "She didn't expect to stay, so she's got none of her own things about her. Little things, really, that would comfort her."

"Ah!" Emily understood completely. "What do you have so far?"

Cal thought about things that Gill already missed. "A hairbrush – she only has her comb from her purse, _soft_ tissues," he emphasized. "Maybe a book or some crossword puzzles, chocolates; I don't know…," he trailed off lamely.

"I know exactly what you mean," Emily offered, and she set about helping her father work on the list as they ate lunch. Cal took the spare key to Gillian's place off his ring and gave it to his daughter. After lunch, he walked Em towards the front entrance of the hospital. He suddenly grasped her arm and pulled her into the gift shop they were passing. "Now what?" Emily asked.

Cal had spied some nightgowns and steered his daughter towards them. "What do you think, Em?" he asked.

"Wow, Dad," she said, impressed at his thoughtfulness. She helped him rifle through the garments and they picked a suitable one.

Pleased with the purchase, Cal walked Emily to the door of the hospital. "Here, take this home, love." he said as he handed the computer case to her.

"You're sure you won't need it?" she asked.

Cal considered. "Not so much that, as I'm too tired to use it," he said. He kissed the top of her head and said, "see you later, then."

**LB LB LB LB**

Gill slept for a couple of hours, which allowed Cal time to catch a little snooze in the chair. He woke before her, and enjoyed a few minutes of quiet to stare at her and think. Gill saw him staring when she opened her eyes. "What, was I snoring?" she asked.

"Like a bloody bear!" Cal teased, rose from the chair, and retrieved the bag from the gift shop. "Nah, just thinkin' about how you'll look in this," he lied as he handed it to her.

"What is it?" Gill asked.

Cal pointed to the bag. "That's some motivation, that is," he said, with a grin.

Gill opened the bag and saw material in a lovely shade of pink. "My favorite color," she said as she reached in and pulled out the garment. It was a long nightgown, not too frilly and not too plain. The embroidered detail around the yoke was stunning. "Oh, Cal, it's lovely, thank you!"

"Em helped me pick it out," he said as he noted Gill's happiness and watched as she carefully refolded it and placed it back in the bag. "As soon as you get some of those bloody tubes out of you darling, wearing that might make you feel better."

Soon thereafter, the physical therapist returned. They tried walking her again, with Cal on one side, the therapist on the other. Gill was much more successful this time, managing to walk with all her tubes a little down the hall and back. She walked slightly bent over, since it hurt her abdomen to stand completely straight. Gill sat up in the chair again and ate her pudding from lunch. Cal was gratified to see her progressing.

About an hour later, Dr. Prasad came to visit. She greeted them both warmly. "Gillian, I am happy to see you up; I'm told you've been walking?" Gillian smiled and nodded. "Good, good. How is your pain level?"

"I actually think it's better than yesterday," Gill said. "But all I've been doing is laying around, resting" she qualified.

"That's as it should be," the doctor said. She consulted the chart in her hand. "I see your bloodwork is back, and you are still a bit anemic, but nothing of dire concern. If you follow the expected course, we may be able to release you on Monday. Any concerns?"

Gill thought for a second, but didn't speak fast enough for Cal. "Biopsy?" he reminded, concerned.

"Ah, yes," Prasad scrolled through page views in the file. "The full pathological assessment is complete and I reviewed your case with most of the oncology team this morning…"

"Oncology?" Gill interrupted, alarmed. "I…I have cancer?" she said, incredulously. Cal moved to stand by Gill's side, and put his hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, and said, "It was benign…" She looked back to the doctor. "You said it was benign," she accused.

Kicking himself for his impatience and realizing they could have broken this to her better, Cal squeezed her shoulder, then moved his hand to stroke her hair. "Shhh, Gill," he tried to calm her. "Let's let her finish."

Prasad pulled up the other chair in the room, sat down opposite Gill and continued. "We did find some cancer cells which were microscopic, really, and these were isolated to a very small area, and in the very earliest stages. As far as we can tell, the abnormal cells were found only on the surface of the lining of uterus." she said.

Dwelling on the single, dreaded word, Gill took in a ragged breath and wimpered, feeling the tears start to come.

Prasad saw this and reached out to grasp Gill's hand. "Gillian," she said, and by the tone of her voice commanded Gill's attention. Gill blinked and held her breath, looking into the doctor's eyes. "Do you have cancer?" Prasad asked, rhetorically. "Technically, we must say that you do. However, we believe that we got all of it with the hysterectomy. We would like to take the precaution of doing a pelvic MRI to check the lymph nodes before you leave the hospital. Then we'll know for sure. With luck, we got it all, and you will need no other treatments."

"Treatments?" Cal jumped in.

The doctor looked at Cal and clarified: "By that I mean, no chemo, and no radiation." She turned her attention back to Gill. "Of course, we'll want to monitor you closely for the next five years. If there is no recurrence in that time, you will be considered cured."

Gill suddenly released the breath she was holding and began to cry quietly. Prasad patted Gill's hand before she released it. "It's okay, Gillian, we will stay on top of this and find out what we are dealing with as quickly as possible."

"Why do you have to wait until Monday for the MRI?" Cal asked.

"A couple of reasons," Prasad explained, looking up at Cal. "One, this is not an emergency at this point, and on the weekend, there is minimal radiology staff. Two," she continued, "we would like to get some of these tubes out so Gillian can be as comfortable as possible in the MRI machine and they don't interfere with the images. But I am encouraged by the pathology report. I do not expect to find anything else."

"So," Cal began to summarize as he squatted to get to eye level with Gill, "so far, so good," he said, encouragingly. Gill turned to look at him for reassurance. Cal raised his eyebrows and smiled at her, nodding. He reached up and wiped her tears away with his hand.

"Yes, it is good news." Prasad agreed as she stood up. "If all goes well, you can return to your normal activities in six to eight weeks. In the meantime, you will focus on healing, yes?"

"Promise," Cal answered for Gill as she finished dabbing away the tears with the tissue Cal had handed her.

"Thank you." Gill said as the doctor left the room. There was silence as Cal replaced the doctor in the chair opposite her and waited for her to process all the information.

"Cancer," was all Gill said at first, and Cal enfolded her small hands in his and continued to wait. She looked up at him. "Why did this have to happen?"

Cal's heart twisted in his chest. He didn't have any answers for her. All he knew was that the woman he loved was out of the woods, and needed to start on the road to recovery. "Let's hope it's all gone," was what he said, but it sounded lame to him as soon as it was out of his mouth. What to say to her to make her feel better? At a loss, he knelt and simply hugged her.

**LB LB LB LB**

The next day, Cal woke to find Gill sitting on the edge of the bed, reaching behind her.

Cal bolted out of the chair, afraid she was trying to get up by herself. "Here! What you up to?" he exclaimed, his heart racing.

"I'm so tired of laying in bed, and my back itches so, I can't stand it!" Gill growled as she tried to scratch, but she was limited by her range of motion and the IV tubing.

"Let me get it for you, love." He knelt on the bed and began to scratch Gill's back through the fabric of her hospital gown, which he found to be damp. "Gill," he said, "your gown is soaked!"

"I know, I've been sweating from laying on that stupid plastic mattress. It's driving me nuts!" she was frustrated.

"Well, lets do this proper. Stay right there." Cal said as he visited the closet to get another hospital gown. Then he went to the bathroom for towels and soaked two washrags with warm water, soaping one. Cal came back to the bed and untied the back of Gill's hospital gown. As he scanned the skin of her back, he noted it was mottled red and sported impressions of sheet wrinkles. She even had three bright pink streaks at one shoulder, already beginning to welt. As his eyes finished their journey downward, he couldn't help but realize he was seeing Gill's naked back for the first time. There it was, in all its curvaceous glory, ending in a full, perfectly rounded bottom. Cal stared for what seemed to him like minutes as he took in what would become an indelible sight. He swallowed, then mentally shook himself and focused on the task at hand as he took the soapy cloth and began to gently wash her back.

"No, no, Cal," Gill said irritatedly, her only thought one of relief. "Rub harder…scrub it!" She arched her back towards him. Cal complied, and after about ten seconds she began to moan and bent her head down towards her chest. "Oh, yeah, that's good," she sighed. "Now, right shoulder."

Cal washed Gill's back until it stopped itching. He was sure he must have taken off a couple layers of skin, but Gill sighed in relief. "Thanks so much," she said. "I was getting ready to scream."

"Much too early for that, darling." Cal commented. As he wiped the soap off her back, he noticed that the indentations had lessened, and her skin was now a bright, rosy pink all over. He gently patted the skin dry. "That good, then?"

Gill reached into the drawer of the bedside table and rummaged around. She retrieved a small white generic-looking bottle and handed it back to Cal. "Here, will you put some of this on?" she asked.

"Right, yeah." Cal said. He took the bottle and looked at it, realizing what it was. He squeezed some into his hand and a smell very reminiscent of medicine assaulted his nostrils; he curled his lip. Dropping the bottle on the bed, he rubbed his hands together to warm the lotion and noted the thinness of it and how the lotion seemed to be evaporating before he even had a chance to apply it to Gill's skin. He was relieved to remember that Em had thought to put lotion on their list earlier. In the meantime, he smeared the lotion down the middle of Gill's back, being careful to go just to her waist, massaging it along her spine, then back up to her shoulders.

"Mmmm…" Gill hummed in relief.

Cal's hands smoothed along the outer edges of Gill's back, now, and he became hyperfocused on the task at hand, memorizing every curve and freckle of her beautiful form. His hands slowed but continued to smooth along her back, as he became transfixed by the stunning canvas of her flesh, as if he were making an invisible, sensuous fingerpainting. He lost track of how long he had been rubbing her naked back, until Gill's voice interrupted him.

"Cal…" There was cautious concern there. "What are you doing?"

Cal suddenly realized just what he _was_ doing, and at the same time noticed the stirrings in his groin. _Down boy_, he thought to himself, mentally shaking away his reverie, and was slightly embarrassed. "Excuse me?" he said in the best show of outrage he could muster. "You did want a _proper_ massage, yeah?"

Gill smiled to herself. "Well, it started out as a back scratch."

**LB LB LB LB**

Gill actually got a decent breakfast on Sunday, and Cal was glad to see that her appetite was returning. He was once again chased out of the room for bath time and dressings; so he went to fetch coffee on the second floor. When the staff was done and they opened the door, Cal entered the room and encountered a vision in pink. He stopped to take an appreciative look at Gill, who was already up in the chair, noting how much better she looked today. "That's right fitty that is," he said indicating the new nightgown, but meaning the whole picture. "How'd they get it on?" he asked, noting Gill still had her IV.

"They're very clever," she said, following his gaze. "They took the IV line out of the machine and pulled it through the sleeve." Gill watched as Cal nodded his approval and handed her a coffee; then he sat on the flattened, freshly-made bed. "And they took the catheter out," she smiled happily.

"Brilliant!" Cal exclaimed. He was heartened at the progress Gill was making. "You'll be ready to go home before you know it."

"Speaking of which," Gill began. "Cal, I was thinking while you were gone."

"Yeah?" Cal interrupted. He could see where this was going, and he didn't like it. Gill had her work face on, the one she wore when she needed to get down to business. "You're thinking about work already, aren't you?"

"We need to talk about it, Cal," she stated. "Dr. Prasad said I would be able to go back in six to eight weeks. You know I can't be gone that long and expect things to go smoothly at the office."

Cal hated that she would worry about work before she was even discharged from the hospital. However, after two days of interrupted sleep in a chair, he was so chin strapped that time had seemed to expand. It hardly seemed real to him that it had only been a couple of days since Gill had been at the office. Frankly, he didn't really care right now about work, he just wanted Gill to be okay. "We'll figure it out, love," he said, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction. "You just need to worry about getting better."

"That's just it, Cal," Gill continued. "It's not going to help if I'm worried about work when I'm trying to heal. With me gone now, you really need to be there. I'm sure you have appointments tomorrow; I know I do, and you're going to have to cover those."

"That's a given," Cal said, but he could see she wasn't going to let this go. "What's your point?"

"The point is, at least for right now, you're tired. You're not going to be able to focus without a decent night's sleep," she said, "in a real bed."

So that was it, Cal realized, she was thinking about his welfare. Ever one to make light of the situation, he deflected, "Oh, yeah?" and moved to stretch himself out on the hospital bed. He placed his hands behind his head and crossed his ankles. "What's wrong with this one?" He pulled his head up with his hands, looked at Gill and wagged his eyebrows, "We could share."

"Cal, seriously!" Gill pleaded.

Seeing that she wouldn't be dissuaded from her line of thinking, Cal turned on his side toward her and propped his head on his hand: "What about you? You might be going home tomorrow."

"I'll get there when I get there." she dismissed. "We don't know for sure that I will, and I still have to have the MRI. Stop worrying about me so much and take care of yourself. I'm in good hands, I'm safe," she reasoned. "Go home and get some sleep, Cal. You'll be worthless at the office tomorrow if you don't."

"As always," Cal cracked.

"You know what I mean, Cal." Gill coaxed. "When you're self-employed…,"

"… every day you wake up, you're unemployed," Cal finished her axiom for her. "And the rest," He sneered. It usually ended with _you have to go out and find the work._ It was one of her more annoying truisms that she lived by. "Spare me that crap, yeah?"

"Really, Cal? Are we seriously going to fight about this?" Gill looked disappointed.

"Nah, love, we're not fightin'." he said resignedly. "We're just having a disagreement."

Gill saw that Cal was trying to reason out an argument as to why he should stay; but she knew he was exhausted and worried. She tried a different tack. "Cal, I know you're worried about me, and I'm grateful. I couldn't ask for a better friend," she coaxed. "But I'm just a phone call away. We can call each other if there's a need."

Cal sat up on the edge of the bed. If he had laid there much longer, he would have fallen asleep, anyway. As tired as he was, Cal had to admit he couldn't argue with her reasoning. "You're sure, Gill?" he asked.

"Absolutely." Gill assured him. "I'll call you as soon as there's anything to report."

"Alright, then," he succumbed. "After Emily comes, I'll leave with her."

"Good." Gill smiled. "And Cal? One little favor?" she asked. "Be nice to Loker."

"Nice? I've been more than nice to him. He's still got a job, hasn't he?" Cal grumped.

"Cal, you're going to need all the help you can get. Just do it as a favor to me?" Gill entreated.

Cal puffed out his cheeks and blew air threw his pursed lips. "That's a big favor, darling," he eyed her. "Would you settle for civil?"

Gillian smirked at him. "Just don't chase him away. I think he's more of an asset than you give him credit for."

When Emily came to visit, she brought a bag with all the items they had put on their list. Cal was happy to see how delighted Gill was with the little care package. She now had plenty to keep her busy. Cal reluctantly left right after Em, and after he had given a proper goodbye to Gill, but he was worried to be leaving her alone in the hospital. He drove home and entered his house, throwing the two days of mail on the kitchen counter with his keys. He drank a large glass of water and headed for his bedroom, stripping off his shoes and pants as he went. He fell face first on the bed, and was asleep almost instantly.


	6. Chapter 6:  Home, or Something Like It

Monday came too soon for Cal. He had slept most of the previous afternoon and evening and felt somewhat rested. However, knowing what was waiting for him at the office, he felt a bit overwhelmed. He spent the early morning hours sorting through his mail and scanning the papers that had accumulated. One particular item he found in the newspaper energized him, and a plan began to form in his mind.

Shortly after eight, he stalked into the Lightman Group and was greeted by Anna, who handed him mail and messages. He responded with "my office in ten, darling." Anna raised her eyebrows expectantly. "And bring Torres and Loker with you," he said over his shoulder as he motored down the hallway. He went straight to his desk and pulled up his calendar and Gill's. Good, he thought, she only had four meetings today, and one of them they had jointly.

It wasn't going to be easy without Gill, he thought. He would have to really focus to fit everything in, which he felt might not be easy. He was going to have to try to spend less time worrying about Gill and more time in the present moment, dealing with the seemingly insurmountable task of filling her shoes. Of course, no one could fill her shoes, but there were several tasks that could be performed for her.

Anna and Torres eventually came in, followed by Loker, who pulled an extra chair up to the front of his desk and sat. Anna had her steno pad in her hands at the ready.

Without preamble, he dove right in. "Foster's going to be gone for six to eight weeks, and somehow we've got to make sure everything gets covered," he said, and watched concern play across all their faces.

"Is she okay?" asked Anna in alarm, who knew nothing about what had happened last Friday.

"She's fine, love," Cal reassured her. "She'll be at home soon, and on the mend." He didn't give her a chance to ask any more questions. "Torres, I want you to vet the incomings, including Foster's ten o'clock this morning," he instructed, "and don't be too picky, yeah?"

Ria's eyebrows rose. "What, you want the divorce cases, too?" she asked, astounded. "You hate those!"

"Yeah, well," Cal said, punctuating the air with his hand, "just until I can get a handle on some of the marketing and schmoozing stuff Foster does to find cases," he conceded.

Ria looked at Loker, who was biting his cheek and trying not to smile. "Whatever pays, right?" she asked, arching her eyebrow.

"Precisely," Cal said. "Now, we need someone who's good at financials. Any ideas?" He watched, but there were blank faces all around. "What, none of these bloody interns has any of that expertise?"

"No, they're all mostly college students, studying government or the social sciences." Loker chimed in. "And, frankly, do you really want to entrust that to unpaid students and neophytes?" Loker squinted, expecting a sharp retort.

"Good point, Loker." Cal said, and got up, shoved his hands in his pockets and paced, thinking. "Anna?" he said and looked at her intently. "Where'd we get you, then?"

Anna was taken aback by the odd question, and looked up from her notes. "What do you mean?"

"You were a temp before you got hired, right?" he asked, thinking the agency must be decent if they had provided such a competent girl to run the front desk.

"Oh," she said, "yes, I came from an agency."

"You 'spose they would have a financial type they could send us?"

Anna hesitated, thinking. "Well, do you want an accountant?" she asked, "or more of a bookkeeper?" At Cal's blank look, she explained: "I'd have to know which, because it might involve different agencies. One's a professional and the other is essentially a secretary."

Cal thought for a minute about all the things Gill did that didn't involve the books and bills and suddenly felt overwhelmed. "Little of both?" he asked, hopefully. He knew they couldn't afford to hire two people. They could barely afford one, but it was a necessity to make sure things didn't fall through the cracks while Gill was gone.

"Like an office manager?" Anna guessed.

Cal snapped his arm out and pointed at her. "That's it!" he said, excitedly. "Office manager! Can we get one of those for hire?"

"I'm sure we can," Anna said and made a note on her pad. "Who do you want to interview them?"

"Well, I don't care how you do it, just get one in here. Between the lot of you, I'm sure you can come up with a good choice." Cal instructed.

Loker looked irritated. "What, now we have to interview temps?" he complained.

"And your point is?" Cal said, glaring at him. "If it's good enough for Foster, it's good enough for you. You got a problem with that, Loker?" He said severely. Cal knew he had promised Gill he'd be nice, but sometimes it wasn't easy with this blighter.

Loker suddenly felt like a schmuck for not thinking of Gill, and placed his chin in his hand, covering his mouth with his curled fingers.

"Right." Cal said as he moved to his desk and sat. "Make hay while the sun shines, and so forth," he said as he shooed them away. His hand reached for the phone and he stopped, noticing that Ria had stayed behind. Torres twisted her fingers. "Something on your mind, Torres?" he asked.

"Yeah," Ria said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "I'd like to talk to you about what you said last week."

Cal slumped back in his chair and thought. What had he said last week? He couldn't recall having said anything that might upset Torres, but it all blurred together after the past weekend. "You'll have to be a bit more specific than that, love."

Ria sat back down in one of the chairs facing his desk. "When you talked about being an expert witness," she paused and noted that she had Cal's attention. "I want to become one."

"Yeah?" Cal asked, interested. He folded his hands across his chest, listening.

Ria placed her hands flat on his desk, and spread her fingers, ready to dive into the discussion. "This may be bad timing, but I've been thinking of going back to school."

"Well, it's a sight easier now with all the online stuff." he considered. "Yeah, I support you 100% on that," he said as he leaned forward, his elbows on his desk and wagged his finger at her, "but try not to let it interfere with your work here."

"Oh, absolutely not," Ria promised, pleased that he seemed to think it was a good idea.

"So, what would your major be?" Cal asked, curious.

Now Ria felt foolish. She hadn't given that much thought. "I don't know, maybe Psychology?" she guessed.

Cal could see she needed to think this through a little more, but he didn't want to discourage her. "Yeah, psychology could make sense, and you could pick Foster's brain about that one," he said, "but it doesn't matter, really. You just need to relate it to the work somehow, assuming this is what you really want to do." At her look of confusion, he continued. "Alright, look at Loker, he studied anthropology and animal behavior. The point is, what are _you_ really interested in? What aspect of this fascinates you? This is a big commitment; you should be happy with your choice."

Ria hadn't considered that, she had only made a vague commitment to herself to do it.

Cal saw that she was puzzling this out. He grew impatient. "What color's your parachute, darling?" he said.

At the seeming non sequitor, Ria was more confused than ever. "Excuse me?" she said.

"It's a book; look it up. It might help you decide, instead of just jumping into this willy-nilly. Something to think about, yeah?" Cal concluded.

"I guess so," Ria said as she stood to leave. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it," he said as he watched her leave. Cal had to hand it to her, she'd come a long way from the airport in a short time. He reached for the phone and hesitated. When Torres looked back at him and smiled her gratitude, he waved his hand at her to hurry up and leave. As soon as the door closed behind her, Cal picked up the phone and dialed. When he heard the other party pick up, he said, "Hello, Ben?"

Ria made her way down the hall and found Loker in the lab. She sat in the chair next to him and absently swung one leg under the other. "Loker," she began, "ever hear of a book called What Color is your Parachute?"

"Oh, yeah." Loker confirmed. "It was required reading in freshman year of college."

"Guess that explains why I've never heard of it," Ria said, embarrassed.

Eli studied her expression. "Okay, what's that about?"

Ria rolled her eyes in frustration. "Everyone must think I'm an idiot because I didn't go to college."

"No, we don't," Eli reassured her. "In fact, I happen to know a number of people who are jealous of your ability."

Ria looked surprised and then doubtful. "Yeah? Who?"

"Several of the interns," he began, "me," which made her smile. "And your boss."

Ria was dumbstruck. "No way!" she said, remembering how caustic Lightman had been about her natural talent and the fact that she didn't have the science. "I didn't think he respected that at all."

"Yeah, way." Loker said, cocking his head. "Listen: Do you know how long we all studied and practiced to acquire these skills; skills that seem to come naturally to you?" Loker paused. "Just because you didn't come on with the science, doesn't mean you aren't learning it, and quickly. But you came with a distinct advantage over just about everyone here."

Ria couldn't help but be pleased by the revelation; and she was sure most of the people she worked with hadn't acquired their skills from quite literally the school of hard knocks. She pondered, should she admit it to him? "Eli, I've been thinking about getting a degree."

"Why?" Loker seemed puzzled.

"What do you mean, why? So I can be an expert." she said.

"Oh, that," Loker said dismissively.

"Yeah, that. Don't make it sound like it's not a big deal," she chided him. "You know what your problem is? You take everything you have for granted."

Loker cocked an eyebrow at her. "So, does that mean you're jealous of me?"

"A little," Ria confessed. "But only for the fact that you're through with college. I never really liked school." She looked pensive. "I don't even know what I want to major in."

Loker saw that she was serious. "Really? This type of work could apply to so many things." Then he got an idea. "Hey - you worked with the TSA. What about criminology?"

**LB LB LB LB **

It had been a very busy morning for Gill. She was up, washed and dressed in a fresh hospital gown before breakfast even arrived. After a last dose of antibiotics, the nurse had removed her IV, save for a small nub that remained in her arm, called a heplock. It enabled them to access her vein without having the constant fluids infusing. Gill felt relieved not to be tied to the IV machine, although she missed the support of it when she had to walk by herself to the bathroom.

By midmorning, she had walked in the hall farther than she had before; and had been visited by the case manager, a nurse who was tasked with her discharge planning. They talked about managing pain, dressing changes and home support. She informed Gill that, since she lived by herself and was not supposed to drive for at least two weeks, she was considered home-bound. Therefore, she would be assigned a home health nurse for a week who would come to the house to check her wound, teach her dressing changes and make sure everything was safe for Gill to be by herself. She would also have a couple visits by a physical therapist, who would show her exercises to help her regain her upright posture and strengthen her abdominal muscles. Finally, she was given a binder to support her abdomen until she healed a bit and could get up and down easily without too much pain.

The MRI of her pelvis came next, and she was taken to radiology and put into a machine with a big round hole in it. She had to lay very still for what seemed a very long time, and almost fell asleep, except that the machine was frighteningly loud. _Good thing I'm not claustrophobic_, she thought as she lay in the tightly confined space.

Afterward, Gill called Cal to confirm that she was going home today and asked if he could come and get her. He seemed delighted that they were releasing her already and said he would be there as soon as he could. Gill had gotten dressed in the street clothes she arrived in on Friday; and now sat on the edge of the bed, cleaning out the bedside table drawers and putting the items in a big plastic bag the hospital had provided. There was a knock on the open door. "Dr. Foster?"

"Yes?" Gill was surprised at the mention of her title and looked up to see a statuesque woman enter, who appeared to be in her mid-40's, dressed in a long flowing batiked silk top of blues and greens with leggings.

"May I come in?" Gill nodded her head at the stranger. She approached Gill, extending her hand. It looked like the ocean flowed around her as she walked. Her dark brown hair was shot through with grey; and she had striking blue eyes that matched her top. The woman had an air of peacefulness about her and Gill was instantly drawn to her.

"I'm Dr. Charmaine Melton, and please call me Char," she said as she shook Gill's hand warmly.

"Gillian," Gill returned the courtesy.

She continued: "I'm a psychologist with the oncology team, and I also work with The Wellness Center. Dr. Prasad asked me to come by to see how you're doing. You've been through a lot in the last couple of days."

"Yes, I guess I have." Gill replied as she motioned for the woman to sit, and Dr. Melton pulled up a chair to face Gill. Gill followed the tall woman with her eyes and as she settled, Gill noted she carried herself with a certain fluid grace.

"How are you handling all this?" Melton asked in a quiet, calming voice.

Gill took a deep breath. It was still difficult to talk about, but she gave it a shot. "Well, I've been crying a lot. It's a lot to take in, I guess."

Char smiled kindly. "Gillian, most people in your situation experience a complex mixture of emotions."

"Yes, I know," Gill agreed, "the grieving process."

"Exactly. I understand you are a psychologist yourself?"

"That's right." Gill confirmed.

"Then you understand the importance of therapy and support to help you get through this time. I've come to offer my services and those of The Wellness Center, if you don't already have something lined up."

"No, this all happened so suddenly," Gill interjected. "It's only been a week since I saw Dr. Prasad for the original symptoms. It's still hard to believe…" she trailed off.

"At The Center, we concentrate on total healing, with a focus on mind, body and spirit. We offer everything from psychotherapy to massage and yoga classes." Char explained.

Gillian considered. "I don't know…I'll be homebound for a couple of weeks."

At this, Cal appeared at the door of the room, one hand in a pocket and a fist ready to knock, when he spied Gill's guest. "Oh, sorry; want me to come back?" he asked.

Gill turned to look at the movement; then shook her head and motioned with her hand for Cal to come in. He approached the two women.

"Hi, Cal, this is Charmaine Melton. Dr. Melton, this is Dr. Cal Lightman. We work together.

Melton offered her hand to Cal and smiled. "Very nice to meet you, Dr. Lightman. I'm familiar with your work."

"Oh, yeah?" Cal asked innocently and shook her hand. "How d'y'do?" He shoved his hand in his other pocket and listened.

"Let me give you my card," Melton offered, and pulled out a brass card case with a yin/yan symbol on it. She removed two business cards and handed one to both Gill and Cal in turn. "If I can be of service, please don't hesitate to call," she said as she stood to leave.

As Melton stood, Cal followed her form upwards with his eyes, and she seemed to tower over him. Incredible, he thought to himself, the woman must be six feet tall. He watched her leave, and turned back to Gill. "All ready?" he asked.

"Just about," Gill confirmed and pressed the call bell for the nurse. When someone answered, she informed them she was ready to go. "They'll be coming with a wheelchair, it'll be just a minute."

Cal moved across the room and sat next to her on the bed. "Gill," he said. "Will you come and stay with me; let me take care of you?" he asked.

Gill bent her head down and to the right to look at him sideways. His expression was hopeful, and it was clear he really wanted to help. "That's sweet, Cal, and a generous offer," she said. "But no, I want to recuperate at home, I don't want to burden you…and frankly, I'm looking forward to sleeping through the night, without interruptions, in my own bed."

"Hospital's no place for rest, that's for sure," he agreed. "But it's not a burden, Gill."

Gill shifted on the bed to look at him more squarely. "Yes, it is, Cal. You have to work and I'll just be one more thing for you to worry about."

Cal placed his hand on hers. "I'm going to worry wherever you are, love," he said, earnestly.

"Besides," Gill continued. "I'll have a home care nurse coming by to check on me, plus physical therapy for a week or so, until I can drive myself. Then followup doctor's appointments. Apparently, I'm going to be quite busy for the first week or so."

"I'll say," Cal had no idea she would have so much going on. He remembered the card in his pocket and asked, "Are you going to see um, what's her name…Mother Nature?"

Gill was confused for a moment. "Do you mean the psychologist?" she asked. "And don't call her that."

"What?" Cal asked innocently.

"It objectifies her," Gill said, thinking he did it on purpose. "It's Dr. Melton."

Cal raised his eyebrows at her reaction and shook his head slightly. "No, really," he objected. "I didn't remember her name."

Gill saw that he was telling the truth. "I don't know," she responded to his original question. "I'm a psychologist; I'm not sure there's anything she can help me with. And anyway, I'm stuck at home until the physical therapist says I can drive."

**LB LB LB LB**

Over the next week, Gill was busy as she predicted, but she enjoyed the peace and quiet of being home by herself. The hospital was indeed no place to rest, and Gill realized she just needed to do that and heal. She was gratified and relieved to find out that nothing was found on the MRI, so she felt she was really out of the woods. Gill took naps during the day and spent a lot of time in between visits and calls just reading. She spoke to Cal every day, sometimes several times a day and was touched at how concerned he was about her. Emily also called to check on her, as did Ria and Loker, and even Anna. Cal and Em also occasionally stopped by briefly to see if she needed anything. They brought her groceries, ready-to-heat meals and Cal even did her laundry one night. She was very grateful.

On her first Friday night home, Cal and Emily came over, carting bags of groceries, which they lugged to her kitchen and plopped on the counter. She followed them into the room and watched as they unloaded the contents of the bags. Gill leaned against the wall and folded her arms, smiling. "I take it you're making dinner?" she said. "What's on the menu?"

Cal approached her, waving his hands about dramatically, and in a silly fake French accent, said, "Roast chicken rubbed with olive oil and rosemary, roasted potatoes with garlic and spices and a lovely salad for madame." he finished with a flourish and placed a light kiss on her cheek.

Gill was slightly amused by his antics. "Really? Sounds good." She surveyed the ingredients on the countertop. She saw feta and another, hard cheese. "What's all the cheese for?"

"The salad," Cal said. He moved closer to her and got in her space, waggling his eyebrows. "It's got feta _and_ asiago," he breathed, as if it were a sexual thing.

Gill pulled her head back from him and nervously glanced in Em's direction; relieved that she wasn't looking. Cal saw this and moved away, smiling. Gill wrinkled her nose. "I've never been one for stinky cheese," she said.

Cal grabbed a loaf of French bread and started to unwrap it. "You're in for a treat, then. I never liked them either until I had this." He cut the heel off the bread and popped it in his mouth. "There's not much stinky cheese in the salad, darling. Trust me, you'll love it."

Gill looked uncertainly at Emily, who said, "I know, right? I don't like stinky cheese either, but this salad is good. It's got dried cranberries and walnuts, with a raspberry vinaigrette dressing," she reassured. "Sounds awful, but it's really yummy." At Gill's look of relief, she continued, "Hey, you're lucky it's not beans on toast. You're getting the special treatment. He planned this all week."

Gill was impressed. She thought about Alec, who was useless in the kitchen. "I do love a man who can cook," she said admiringly, and as soon as it was out of her mouth, she knew what was coming. She didn't like to give Cal such an easy set-up.

Cal instantly moved back into her space "Oh, _really_?" he growled, so close he was almost kissing her. Gill put her hand on his chest and pushed him back to a reasonable distance.

Emily witnessed this exchange and groaned. "Do as I say, and not as I do, huh Dad? If I did that with Liam, you'd bite my head off!"

"Oi!" Cal barked. "Who's the adult, here?"

"Sometimes I wonder," Emily sniped. Gill laughed and shook her head.

"Wine darling?" Cal offered.

"Sure," Emily chimed in.

"Smart arse!" Cal said to Em. He hefted the bottle in Gill's direction, inquiring with his eyebrows.

"I'm not sure I should; haven't really thought about it," she said. "Maybe just a little bit."

"Where _does_ she get that mouth of hers?" Cal wondered, pouring the wine.

"I think she comes by it honestly," Gill ventured, winking at Emily. "She's a product of her environment."

"Spoken like a true psychologist!" Cal effused, and lifted his glass. "Cheers!"

At dinner, Gill commented that everything was delicious and asked for recipes. She was surprised when Cal just started rattling off how to make everything. Apparently, he didn't use recipes, and the dishes didn't seem difficult once Gill heard about them. They were really just simple foods made with fresh ingredients and he didn't measure, just approximated. Now Gill was _really_ impressed with Cal's cooking, and she said so. Cal explained that Americans were spoiled with all their fancy foods, always available in overabundance. All you really needed were a few basics, some good spices and little know-how, he said.

Afterwards, Emily and Cal did the dishes, insisting that Gill sit down and relax. She took her wine and eased down on the couch, watching them, amused at their ongoing banter. When they were done, Cal brought his wine in to Gill's living room and sat on the couch facing her, one leg bent between them. He rested one arm on the back of the couch and lightly touched Gill's shoulder. "Alright?" he asked her.

Gill sighed. "Oh, I'm full. That's the best meal I've had since I went to the hospital!"

"Oh, no!" Emily frowned as she came into the room with a plate and placed it on the table in front of Gill. She had brought small pastries, knowing that Gill had a sweet tooth as she did. "Maybe later," she said as she took one for herself and bit into a small éclair.

Cal considered his partner. "You seem to be doing okay here by yourself."

"I've had a lot of help. But I'm used to being alone, you know that," Gill explained. "It's actually been nice, I've had time to catch up on my reading."

Emily jumped up, "Oh! that reminds me…" she exclaimed and moved to her bag to retrieve a book. She came back and handed it to Gill. "Here, I think you'll like this."

Gill looked at the cover of the trade paperback, which was mostly a matt black with silver lettering shadowed in red. It had a gold embossed symbol of a bird in a circle with an arrow in its beak. It was a striking picture. Her eyes traveled upward to read the title, The Hunger Games. She raised her brows and looked uncertainly at Emily. "What is this, some kind of vampire tale?"

Emily snickered. "No, that's what everyone thinks at first. It's a _really_ good book about a post-apocalyptic society and these kids that have to fight for survival as punishment for rebellion against the government. I'm reading the second one, now."

It wasn't her usual preference in reading material; but Emily was so excited about the book, and sharing it with someone else. Gill saw that the book was on the New York Times bestseller list; how bad could it be? She had nothing but time on her hands, so she decided to humor Em and commit to reading the book. "Sounds good," she said. "I look forward to discussing it with you."

Cal regarded the two women in his life appreciatively, and felt a sense of peace. Gill turned her head towards him and noted the look of fondness on his face. She cocked her head at him and raised her eyebrows, silently asking him what he was thinking. He met her gaze and simply smiled contentedly.

"So, what's going on at the office?" Gill inquired.

"Well, we hired an office manager today," Cal began, watching Gill for her reaction.

Her eyes widened. "Oh? Replacing me already?" Gill was surprised, because she had discussed getting an office manager with Cal many times. She didn't need his permission, he always just brought up the money, which was interesting coming from him.

"Well, you're not there, are ya?" Cal was a bit flustered. "Somebody's got to keep the books straight. It's a temp position, and she starts on Monday."

While she was slightly annoyed that Cal had done this without consulting her, Gill was also impressed that Cal had taken the initiative and was handling things in her absence. She knew this wasn't exactly true, since they spoke every day and she peppered their conversations with reminders about things that needed to be done. "I'm glad to hear you're able to manage without me," she said.

"Nah, I could never _begin_ to manage without you, darling." Cal affirmed.

**LB LB LB LB**

Another week came and went, and Gill was feeling much stronger. Her pain was much less and she found that she was taking her meds less and less frequently. She was moving about much better. While she was still not supposed to do any heavy lifting, Gill could now manage light housekeeping on her own and tolerate standing long enough to fix a light meal.

On the second Friday after Gill returned home, there was a knock at her door in the late afternoon. "Coming," she called. When she opened it, she was surprised to see Emily standing on her porch, suitcase in hand. "Emily!" Gill exclaimed. "Come in. What are you doing here?"

Emily stepped inside the doorway and Gill noted she had a worried, almost frantic look on her face. "I don't know, Gill. He's disappeared again and no one will tell me what's going on! God!" she exclaimed. "Why do you guys do that to me?" she stormed in angrily.

Gill closed the door and suddenly realized she hadn't heard from Cal today, and she instantly took on a feeling of worry. "Are you talking about your father?" she asked Emily, who nodded. "When did you last hear from him?"

He called this morning while I was in class and left me a voicemail. He asked if I would check on you after school. When I tried to call him later, he never answered. Ria and Eli just keep deflecting when I ask where he is." Emily hugged herself and paced in Gill's hallway. "I'm worried about him, Gill, and I thought maybe you would know something."

Gill moved to gingerly fold Emily into her arms, mindful of her abdomen. "Exactly what did Eli and Ria say?" she asked.

Emily shivered nervously. "The usual: they didn't know where he was, but they always say that, whether they know or not."

"I haven't heard anything," Gill told the girl. "But let's see what I can find out." Gill made for her cell on the kitchen counter and dialed Ria, who picked up almost immediately. "Ria! What's going on? Where's Cal?"

Ria could hear a sense of urgency in Gill's voice. "Gill, are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," she said impatiently. "Emily's here, she's concerned about Cal, and so am I. I haven't heard from him all day. What's going on?"

"No one knows," Ria responded. "He just left like he was going to lunch, and didn't come back. We only just figured it out when he missed his four o'clock."

"Let me know if you hear anything," Gill requested. Ria confirmed that she would and they ended the call. Next, she dialed Cal's cell and listened as his voicemail message came on. "Cal, we need to know you're safe," she said. "Please call me or Emily as soon as you get this." Gill hung up and felt helpless, like so many times before when Cal disappeared. She saw that Emily had moved to the couch, and went to sit beside her. She placed her arm around Em's shoulder and tried to reassure her. "I'm sure he'll be fine," she said. "He usually is."

Emily tucked her hair behind her ear on one side. "I'm worried, and I knew you would be, too. Do you mind if we worry together?"

Gill bent her elbow and pulled Emily's head down on her shoulder. "Of course not, Em." They sat in silence for a time, Gill's mind working, trying to think if there were any clues Cal had let slip as to his plans or cases last time they spoke. Where the hell was he this time? After everything that had happened to her in the last three weeks, Gill came back to reality. She should have known that things wouldn't stay pleasant and it was just a matter of time before Cal would go back to old ways. Gill's anger bubbled up. It was bad enough that he hurt and worried her, but he kept doing it to Emily, too. Gill was angry and disappointed, a sense of betrayal creeping into her mind like a shadow.

Emily finally broke the silence. "I'm nearly an adult now. Do you think he will ever treat me like one?" she asked.

Gill's heart almost broke. Why did Cal do this to his daughter, to everyone? "Yes, you are, Emily." she reassured the girl. "But that's a discussion you need to have with your father."

"I'm sorry I bothered you with this," Emily apologized, sitting up. "You need to be worrying about yourself, so you can get better."

"I'll tell you what: let's have a cup of cocoa, and just see what happens?" she carefully lifted herself off the couch.

Emily jumped up and said, "Oh, no, let me do it. You're still recuperating."

"No, I'm fine, Emily," Gill tried to allay her concerns. "It's been two weeks, I'm okay. I need to learn to fend for myself, anyway." What she left unsaid was that she couldn't trust or depend on Cal.


End file.
